Asleep Under My Desk

Panini Press Lunch

2012-01-27T20:55:00.000-06:00

It's been said by some of my coworkers that I am a Jack of all Trades.

I can bake, do crafts, answer inane trivia questions, cut meat, fix the printer, etc, etc, etc

Today I added to my list of skills by teaching my coworkers how to cook pizza in a panini press.

Step One: Purchase a cheap, thin crust pizza. (Rising crust or overly topped ones won't work)

Step Two: Ignore the directions and thaw before cooking.

Step Three: Fold pizza in half.

Step Four: Insert into panini press and grill until golden brown.

Step Five: Enjoy

The thing pretty much comes out like a calzone but it much more impressive.

Ahh the things you do in the office on Fridays.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #62

2012-01-23T20:37:00.000-06:00

My life would be so much easier if I had a butler. Preferably someone like Alfred from the Batman movies. I'd prefer Michael Caine but I'd pretty much settle for any man over the age of 64 with a British accent.

Two days ago we had a blizzard. Last night we had a thunderstorm. It's official - I no longer know how to dress for work in the morning.

While answering phones at the front desk I forgot my name. Try explaining that pause to the client without sounding like a complete idiot.

I decided I need to wear a pedometer around the office because I bet I walk well over 5 miles each day and the only way to prove it is to clock it. And yes, that means I don't spend nearly as much time as I should at my desk.

The number one phrase I utter at work is "Yes, you with your hand raised" and no, I am not a school teacher.

My red pen died today. I think it is a conspiracy by those who wish to stop me from editing their work with my charming yet snarky comments.

~ The Office Scribe

Hello 2012!

2012-01-01T22:04:00.000-06:00

Ahh, nothing like the first blog post of the year.

At least you can all be thankful that I didn't do one of those god-awful year in review posts.

Nor am I going to list a bunch of goals and resolutions that I will never get around to achieving.

Basically this post is to remind all of you that this is the year to check as many items off your bucket list as humanly possible.

You can thank the Mayans for this line of thinking*.

But that doesn't mean you can shirk your responsibilities - which means you all have to go back to work tomorrow, or in my case, Tuesday.

~ The Office Scribe

* I think you can also thank them for chocolate. So yay Mayans!

Missing - My Key Card

2011-12-13T19:35:00.000-06:00

Missing - One electronic key card which allows me to get into my office suite. Last seen in my back pocket at the holiday party on Friday.

Possible locations include:
- Somewhere in the chaos that is my cubicle
- At the bar where we went after the party
- Still in the jeans I wore Friday
- My car
- My mom's house
- The inside of my rottweiler
- The wallet of someone who really wants to get into the office
- A local hospital
- One of the various purses I didn't carry in the past 4 days, but where stuff still seems to end up
- Narnia

I really hope it's in one of the above locations because I don't want to have to shell out $10 for a new one and suffer the looks of the people in HR, as this is the second one I have lost.

Reward - None. If I was willing to pay money, I would just get a new card.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #61

2011-12-12T18:16:00.000-06:00

Sadly I did not win anything at the office holiday party. So that makes my official stats when it comes to winning 2 wins, 4 losses.

Nothing like driving past the mall at noon on a Monday during what is supposed to be a bad economy and seeing every single parking spot full. (And don't judge me for not being at work on a Monday at noon - I took every Monday off in December.)

To the lady arguing in line at the grocery store - yes, there is a difference between cilantro and Italian parsley.

Fun fact - If you steal something the guys at Pawn Stars won't buy it. So the lesson there is lie about the origins of your awesome stuff, take the money and run.

I spent the day doing laundry and I still have no idea what to wear to work tomorrow.

~ The Office Scribe

Stove Top? Really?

2011-11-22T15:18:00.000-06:00

I was watching an episode of South Park last night and in it there is a stuffing shortage. Cartman freaked out and dragged his mom to the store in search of this oh-so-perfect side dish. But alas, the shelves were bare.

Luckily, this would never be an issue in my family because while we'll use pre-packaged stuffing at other times of the year, where it comes to Thanksgiving, we make it from scratch, using a recipe that has been handed down through the ages. A recipe that I now pass along to you in hopes that it will make your Thanksgiving just that much more awesome.

Yes, I know this really doesn't have anything to do with working in an office - but since I am not in the office this week, why should my posts be about a place I am not in. That would be like me blogging about Hawaii or Wal-Mart.

~ The Office Scribe

Family Bread Stuffing

My family can trace this recipe to 1911 when my Great-grandfather, then a 16-year-old teenager, worked in a lumber camp outside of Eugene, Oregon as an assistant to the camp cook as he was not old enough to do the actual lumbering.

· 1 loaf white bread

· 1 bay leaf

· 2 apples, peeled & grated

· 1 tbsp baking powder

· 1 onion, peeled and grated

· ½ - 1 lb. butter

· 1 egg

· 1 tbsp dried sage

· salt & pepper to taste

· Water, if needed to moisten

The night before, tear the bread into bite-size pieces, place bread pieces in a bowl and cover with a towel. Set the bowl on the countertop overnight and allow the bread to dry out. The next morning, after rinsing out the turkey, mix together all ingredients in a large bowl and add water to moisten, if needed.

Stuff the turkey cavity and bake per instructions on the bird. When turkey is done, using a large spoon remove all stuffing and place in an oven-safe bowl. While the turkey is resting, place bowl in oven until top slightly browns. Remember to remove the bay leaf prior to serving.

Some shortcuts that have evolved over the years are:

• Once bread is torn it can be placed on a baking sheet or in a 13x9-inch pan and placed in the oven overnight as this allows for more evenly drying out

the bread. There is no need to turn on the oven. If you are in a hurry, the oven can be turned to the lowest setting and the bread should dry out within 20

minutes.

• Use a natural chunky applesauce in place of peeling and grating the apples.

• Use turkey or chicken broth in place of some of the butter for flavor and less calories. This is especially good if you are making dressing rather than stuffing as it will have the poultry flavor. Broth can also be used in place of water to moisten if needed.

• Chopped celery can be added to the onion. You can begin the recipe by sweating the onion and celery in some melted butter, remove from stovetop, and then add the remaining ingredients.

• I have never used packaged, pre-cut bread cubes, but do not see why they would not work.

Manic Monday - The Thanksgiving 2011 Edition

2011-11-22T02:10:00.000-06:00

Nothing like starting my week of vacation by running into the office for 20 minutes to mail something to a client. I can't tell if I am super dedicated or super crazy.

Emo Rupert Everett was enjoying a cigarette outside Starbucks today. Whenever I see him I can't help but giggle.

I am in the process of cleaning my desk out at home, which if you have ever seen my desk you know is a somewhat daunting task. So far, some of things I have found include:
- An Oscar Meyer weenie whistle
- Multiple packages of Spider Man pencils, which is odd since I am not a fan of Spiderman or pencils)
- Four hole punches, as in quantity of hole punches, not in how many holes they punch
- A night light shaped like a Knight
- A shot glass from Oxford
- Road trip magnetic license plate game
- Violet flavored mints which are awesome if you can ever find them in a place that isn't my desk

~ The Office Scribe

And The Fifth Horseman Is Cold Season

2011-11-05T21:52:00.000-05:00

Yes ladies and gents, it's that fabulous type of year otherwise known and Cold & Flu season. It's seems like just as the mercury starts to drop and we turn our clocks back* I get a nice cold. I totally blame it on my coworkers, especially those with kids, as I am sure that it is in schools that all modern day plagues start. Starting last Monday (which yes, was Halloween) I began feeling what my father would have called "punky" - itchy eyes, slight cough, moderate fever, etc.

So I did what any dedicated employee would do - I dosed myself with NyQuil, went to sleep early, and was prepared to feel better come Tuesday morning.

But when my alarm went off at 7:00 a.m. I rolled over, looked at the clock and thought "Can I do it? Can I drag myself out of bed and make it work work?" I dwelled on it for about 30 seconds and then did the unthinkable and called in sick to work.

November 1, 2011 was my first full sick day of the day (I did take half a day in the Spring, but that doesn't count). I mean, I guess that is why were are all given sick days. I did it because yes, I felt like crap, but because I also didn't want to infect any of my coworkers. Now you may be thinking "Wow, that is so nice, taking your coworkers health into consideration." But truthfully, I did it to keep them at work so I don't have to cover for them.

Anywho, it's now Saturday and I am about 95% better, except for the cough that won't go away. But that's why the medicine gods gave us Robitussin and Luden's throat drops.

~ The Office Scribe

*Um, speaking of changing the clocks, why does this always happen on the weekends? Sure, when I used to go to church it was worth a chuckle or two to see everyone who forgot and would show up for mass early/late, but I think it would be much funnier if it happened on a random Wednesday and all us cubicle monkey's had to remember so we wouldn't be late for work. Who do I write to in order to get this changed?

Manic Monday #60

2011-10-24T20:41:00.000-05:00

So there is the most amazing maple tree outside my office. Everyone kept walking past it today, commenting on it's gorgeous red colors and how pretty it was. Too bad I spend 90% of my day, facing my computer monitor, which puts my back to this spectacular deciduous phenomenon. (I have a wonderful vocabulary - jealous?).

The reception door locks at 6:00 each night, even though we are open until 7:30. This means if you leave to use the restroom you have to have your keycard with you to swipe back in. Most people don't realize this until they throw all their weight into the door, which is glass, and look shocked when it doesn't open. One of these days we're going to have a 'Hulk Smash" moment and that is going to be very hard to explain to the building management.

The most popular cubicle decoration right now are the gourds that look like mini pumpkins. I can assume they are so popular for two reasons (1) They cover multiple holidays and (2) they can become projectiles if a battle ever erupts between departments.

Yesterday I spent an hour reading comments on FML.com and came to realize that my job is glorious compared to many others. For example - I don't think I am hated by everyone I work with, nor do I think I would ever be fired by text message.

I didn't go on vacation anywhere this year, which means I didn't use quite a bit of my vacation. I could practically take every Friday off for the rest of the year, but I love Casual Friday's so much that I don't want to sacrifice the ability to wear jeans in the office. What am I to do?

If you follow me on Twitter (which you all should - @TheOfficeScribe) then you know yesterday I spent some time working on an itinerary for a couple of coworkers who were set to leave for Kenya today on a work trip. And not just a normal itinerary, but a humorous one filled with side stories and having very little to actually do with their trip. Sadly, today I found out that their trip was canceled at the last minute. But fear not, rumor has it someone is taking them to see "The Lion King 3-D" which is practically the same thing as going on safari, right?

~ The Office Scribe

Fear Not...

2011-10-23T17:36:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone who either left comments, tweets, e-mails, or messages in a bottle to find out what the heck has been going on with this blog lately. Yeah, I know - I have been horrible about posting lately. I could say it's because I have been so busy at work that I haven't had time to notice anything humorous happening around me. Or how since I now work until 7:30 p.m. on Mondays, when I come home I am not really up to posting anything manic.

But that would be coping out - I'll be honest - I've just been really lazy lately. I think it has something o do with the weather or it getting darker earlier. A coworker was trying to explain it all to me the other day but I yawned in the middle and went temporarily deaf (you know what I am talking about - how you yawn and it blocks out all sound) so I didn't follow the entire chain of thought.

Since I've spent about 80% of the day on my couch watching horror movies and Gossip Girl, I should be able to start this week refreshed. Which means I promise to be a posting fool.

Thanks for sticking with me through these quiet times.

~ The Office Scribe

Ma'am - I Am Sorry I Can't Help You

2011-09-29T22:40:00.001-05:00

Once a week I work the front desk towards the end of the day. It's not a bad gig - the phones are pretty quiet, I can still get my stuff done, and it provides a nice change of scenery.

But Monday night, I took the following phone call*:

Me: Thank you for calling *Company Name Redacted*. How may I direct your call?

Caller: I lost my Platinum card and I need you to cancel the card immediately. IMMEDIATELY.

Me: Ma'am - you called *Company Name Redacted* not a credit card company.

Caller: Connect me to someone who can cancel my card IMMEDIATELY!

Me: Ma'am, like I said, you called *Company Name Redacted*. I don't have the power to cancel your credit card.

Caller: Why not?

Me: Ma'am, we are not your credit card company. This is *Company Name Redacted*, we don't have anything to do with credit cards.

Caller: Then transfer me to someone who can help.

Me: Ma'am, there is no one here who can help you.

Caller: And why not?

Me: No one here can cancel your card.

Caller: So what should I do?

Me: Call your credit card company?

Caller: Okay, connect me to them.

Me: I can't connect you to another company.

Caller: Then what should I do?

Me: Call your credit card company?

Caller: What's the number?

Me: Ma'am - I don't have that information.

(((pause)))

Caller: You should be ashamed of yourself for not being able to cancel my credit card.

CLICK

Wow - I always thought calls like this were made up to amuse people on the internet. I guess I was wrong. Oh so very wrong.

~ The Office Scribe

* Conversation may not have been this word for word, but since I don't take down everything everyone says to me, I sometimes have to paraphrase.

Manic Monday #59

2011-09-19T21:42:00.000-05:00

Fun Fact - Julius Caesar did not live in the 1920's, no matter what my coworkers say.

That's it. That's all I got today. You can blame my lack of posting on the fact that I started working 11:30 - 7:30 on Mondays, which leaves me wiped by the time I get home.

I know, I suck.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #58

2011-08-29T22:15:00.000-05:00

In a complete act of rebellious brought on by people who leave half an inch of coffee in the pot on days when I start late, I poured the dregs of the double strength stuff in the regular pot and thinned it with a little hot water. Then I made myself a fresh pot.

No, I will not open my Passive Aggressive Notes 2012 calendar for two reasons: (1) It's August of 2011 and (2) because you keep asking.

I had a teacher in junior high who was obsessed with highlighters. And it's him that I blame for not having one or two colors of highlighters at my desk now, but six.

I will never admit that I don't have the answer. I'll just make one up that sounds so convincing that you'll believe me.

As far as I can tell from reading the employee handbook, there are no dress code restrictions about wearing sunglasses at your desk.

You won't be laughing when the ninjas attack and because I always have to face the door in meetings I am the only one who survives because I dove under the table before the kung fu fighting began.

Beyonce's unborn child hijacked all the water-cooler chat today. And from the sound of it, all reporting on E!, Access Hollywood, Twitter and the VMA's themselves.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #57

2011-08-22T21:22:00.000-05:00

It's official - I am obsessed with closing partially opened file cabinets. To the point that I will go out of my way to close them in other departments. Is this a clinical condition?

My pens are all dying at work. Sure, I could put in an order for some new ones from the mail room, but I am such a pen snob that I can't use them. I have to have fancy ones. A trip to Office Depot may be in order after work tomorrow.

A four hours old-watered down Starbucks latte is still better than the freshly brewed decaf stuff at work.

Ahhhh! Coworkers! Stop talking about True Blood! I was at my mom's last night and she doesn't haven HBO. (So I am watching it On Demand as I type this right now.)

The candy dish at my desk has only had about 6 jawbreakers in it for the past 4 weeks. When is Halloween? I need people to drop off candy that they don't want around their house because they are afraid they'll eat it for the candy dish so they can eat it at work.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #56

2011-08-15T20:27:00.000-05:00

Just because there is a quarter of an inch of coffee in the bottom of the pot doesn't mean you shouldn't make a another cup. The coffee gods will understand if you dump that out and make a fresh pot (for those of us who start at 10 on Mondays).

CSI : Office Edition - Did you know that if you have to dust for fingerprints that dumping the shavings tray from the electric pencil sharpener out on the counter works really well?

I really hope people don't pay much attention to the decorations on cupcake liners because my VP is getting her birthday cupcakes baked in Halloween ones.

Work days would generally start out much better if a theme song played as I entered the office.

~ The Office Scribe

The Hurt Feelings Report

2011-08-02T20:42:00.001-05:00

One of my coworkers gave this to me today, after he said he was going to file a formal complaint with the company because I was picking on him. (And yes, this is probably the reason why I was a Runner Up for EOTY and not the winner...)

I hope you can read it - because it actually made me giggle. I think if you click it and let your computer do the work it will allow you to see it. I don't know; technology confuses me.

It's obviously from the army, but it also works perfectly for those of us who spend our days being passive aggressive (and sometimes just plain aggressive) within the confines of a cubicle.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #55

2011-08-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

You may have heard, and yes, it's true - I was a runner up for Employee of the Year this year at my company. No joke. And while I am a dedicated employee, I am pretty sure the votes came in because of my mad baking skills.

Speaking of baking skills, see what I made for my cousins birthday tomorrow?

Yeah, that's Van Gogh's Starry Night as a cupcake cake. And yes, she is going to be 2. What two year old doesn't like a trippy frosting copy of a painting done by a guy who cut off his ear?

They lowered out cubicle walls at work this weekend. It was done to make people feel like they were more of a team. I think it was done so my coworkers can hear me talking to myself. Which happens a lot. What can I say? I was an only child.

~ The Office Scribe

Fear Not...

2011-07-17T23:01:00.000-05:00

I am back on Twitter.

Stop by tomorrow for a new Manic Monday, assuming some interesting things happen to me at the office tomorrow.

~ The Office Scribe

Twitter Fail

2011-07-14T19:58:00.002-05:00

If any of you are followers of my Twitter account (um, you all should be...) you may have noticed an absence of mundane Tweets lately. That's because for some reason, I can't access Twitter. It looks like it loads but all I get it a blank page.

Seriously, it's not cool. And I personally blame Google+.

Anyone else having this issue?

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The Midwest Hurricane Edition

2011-07-11T20:24:00.000-05:00

You know what works better than an alarm clock? A call from your mom who says the apocalypse is happening and headed your way. No matter how tired you are it makes you jump out of bed to move your plastic lawn furniture into a more secure location on your porch.

I guess the weather gods didn't like the route I take to work in the mornings since they blew a tree down on a bunch of power lines right in the middle of the road. Personally I thought I could have made it - ComEd and the local police thought otherwise.

Normally I like to be able to participate in a conversation with my coworkers, but when the topic is about how they had to shower in the dark because they didn't have power, I kept my mouth shut. (Since I not only had power when I woke up but I was listening to the radio, watching the weather channel and tweeting about it).

Lots of people have been talking about how weird the weather is this summer - and I feel like we have this discussion every year. The weather isn't weird, you just have bad memories.

We were reminded at work that if the bad weather sirens go off we need to report to our specific locations for a head count. Too bad I didn't click on the link to tell me where I belonged. If someone out there can't find me, you should all just assume I am under my desk. That's where the mini fridge is after all...

~ The Office Scribe

The Office Dorm?

2011-07-06T22:28:00.000-05:00

There are many great things about going to college. The all night parties. Locking people in the communal bathrooms. Undercover FBI stings to bust fake ID rings...

But nothing is better about college than the time honored tradition of having a dry erase board affixed to your dorm room door.

For those of you who didn't go to college let me explain: Practically the first thing you do when you move into a dorm, before you unpack you clothes and that illegal hot pot you had to have to make ramen, you got out your double sided tape and hung up your dry erase board. You then took some colorful markers and wrote you and your roommates names on it and perhaps added something classy, like a a Keystone light sticker some guy handed you at Freshman orientation.

The main* purpose of the dry erase board was so that people could leave you messages while you were ~~shacked up in someone else's room~~ at class It was pretty genius. Which is why I think we need them around my office.

Right now, we have a ton of meetings and training sessions so no one is ever at their desks when you need them. And yes, you could leave a post it note, but chances are there would be so many that when you got back your desk would look like a Midwestern yard in the fall. (Because Post Its look like leaves). Hence the need for a dry erase board. That way when you are away from your desk people could just jot you a quick note to say they stopped by. Or leave a funny saying. Or draw an inappropriate picture which gets them reported to HR.

I bet we could even get them cheap through our office supply connections.

This will be my new pet project, you know, once I finally get back to my desk...

~ The Office Scribe

* Other reason include, but aren't limited to - accusing someone of stealing your boyfriend, telling your roommate she owes you money, drawing pictures of genitals, writing the answers for biology tests, reminding someone that they need to figure out what that smell is, etc, etc, etc.

Ways To Annoy Your CoWorkers #1 - The Sound of Music

2011-06-30T20:57:00.001-05:00

Hi! Welcome to a new segment here at Asleep Under My Desk that I like to call "Ways To Annoy Your CoWorkers!" On today's episode I feature a classic way to drive your coworkers crazy.

I call it - The Sound of Music.

Step One - Patience is key, because you can't instigate Step One; You have to wait for someone else to do it. Basically, just sit around and wait for someone in your office to ask you for help*.

Step Two - Approach them with zeal and ask how you can be of assistance.

Step Three - Listen to their problem and tell them everything they did was wrong. And that they'll have to start over.

Step Four - Hopefully they will reply with something along the lines of "Well where do I start?"

Step Five - Reply "Start at the very beginning. A very good place to start."

Step Six - Wait for them, or someone in earshot to chime in with "When you read you begin with A B C".

Step Seven - Reply "When you sing you begin with Do Re Mi!"

Then sit back and listen to your coworkers curse, as you have now implanted one of the catchiest tunes in their head. It will be with them all day. Later you'll hear them humming under their breath "And that will bring us back to Do Do Do" or discussing what ethnic accent someone pronounces "far" as "FA" in.

But complete success will come if you catch someone singing "Favorite Things" which means you not only planted a song, but an entire musical.

I'll be honest, it tends to work better on girls, but it's also a fun way to discover who the closer musical fans are.

~ The Office Scribe

* If you are the type of person no one ever asks help from, I think you had better stop trying to find ways to annoy your coworkers and try harder at your job...

Manic Monday #54

2011-06-27T21:54:00.000-05:00

Macs are better than PCs because they don't try to be all clever and green with their "recycle" bin - they keep it real with a trash can.

The only thing better than going to a coworkers house for a party over the weekend is when the coworker brings in the leftovers. Free lunch!

Last nights "True Blood" episode was the television equivalent to the "What I Did Over My Summer Vacation" essay.

I'll admit it. I sometimes put nonsensical stuff on my meeting agendas just so it looks like I have more to talk about.

Biggest news of the day was when the jury came back in the ~~Blagdovitch~~ ~~Bagdonovich~~ Blagojevich trial and found him guilty on a bunch of counts. For those not keeping score, that's two Illinois governors who will be serving jail time. At the same time. Quinn, I'm looking at you to make that an even 3. (Don't argue - 3 is totally an even number.)

Obviously the people who live a few floors above me don't have jobs? How do I know? The spent their money on bottle rockets which they like to shoot off at 1:30 a.m. I swear if I find one more of those little red sticks in my parking lot, within inches of my car, I am going to cut someone. Or superglue their mailbox lock shut. Try getting your eviction notice now asshole! (Wait, that might be counterproductive...)

~ The Office Scribe

Shhh! It Can Hear You!

2011-06-23T20:55:00.000-05:00

When I was little I remember sitting with my Grandfather watching 2011: A Space Odyssey. For those who have never seen the movie, let me boil it down to one sentence (which is never an easy task for a Kubrick movie).

A computer goes crazy.

I remember thinking that this was an implausible scenario, even at the tender age of 5. I mean, inanimate objects just don't go crazy (with the exception of Teddy Ruxpin). It's a thought I have carried with me through all four Terminator movies and life in general.

That is, until today.

A coworker and I had a discussion about how we were jealous of people in the Creative Services department because they have Macs. As someone who has a Mac I said I wish I could have one at work. My coworker agreed and we left the conversation at that.

What I didn't realize was that my PC was listening - and it didn't like what it heard.

I spent the rest of the day waiting for pages to load, getting e-mail errors and generally being less productive than usual, all because my computer decided to hate on me.

So tomorrow, I am not speaking aloud in front of it. Hand signals only.

~ The Office Scribe

I'm Outta Here!*

2011-06-16T19:25:00.000-05:00

I was sitting at my desk today and the little yellow Outlook envelope popped up to let me know that I had a new message.

-----Original Message-----
From: BCL [mailto:bcl@bristishcharitylottery.co.uk]
Sent: Wednesday, June 15, 2011 2:21 PM
Subject: Yours!

Your E-mail won 500,000.00GBP from BCL draws. Send your name? Address?
Mobile no? Country? State? Occupation? Age? To bcl.claims@live.com

So I do the logical thing - I immediately message a coworker and tell him I am quitting my job because I just won a ton of money in a lottery I never bought a ticket for.

His response - You too?

Damn! Apparently everyone in my office got the e-mail, which means we are all uber rich.

It's not fun unless it's special.

~ The Office Scribe

* Obviously I did not quit my job. That would be retarded. Have you see gas prices? I'd be able to drive a block and then I'd have to live out of my car on the corner and someone would make a documentary about me that would win them an Oscar and me a few extra nickels in my used Starbucks cup.

The Shoes

2011-06-16T09:01:00.000-05:00

This weekend I am in one my best friend's weddings. And by "in it" I mean I'm a Bridesmaid which means I have the dress, am getting my hair done and will do my best to not embarrass anyone with my ways...

That also means that I have shoes. As any females knows, new heeled shoes need to be broken in similar to a way a cowboy breaks a wild horse. It can take hours, be some pain, but in the end it will be well worth it. Since Chicago has had some ~~damp~~ wet weather lately I knew I couldn't wear the shoes outside. So I did the next best thing - I wore them around the office.

Word to the wise - if you generally dress like you stepped out of an Eddie Bauer catalog and you show up wearing shoes like this, comments will be made:

* Note - the ones I have are NOT Christian Louboutin's....

I would walk up to people to ask them a question and their jaws would drop and they'd ask, "Wow - what's with the shoes?"

But my favorite comment of the day was "It looks like Barbie threw up on your feet."

Overall, I think I impressed my co-workers because I could walk around in 4 inch heels for multiple hours and not complain.

I am a woman of many skills.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #53

2011-06-13T19:43:00.000-05:00

Thanks to my mom who, this weekend, reminded me that I have a blog and that I haven't posted on it in a while.

Blank stares are not an acceptable answer to any question. If you can't take the energy to at least furrow a brow or blink then I will never come to you for an answer again.

The nomination process for Employee of the Year came out today but since I didn't see the words "snarky", "sarcastic" or "cynical" on the list of employee attributes something tells me I won't be pulling down the votes.

The #1 reason I don't leave the office for lunch isn't to save money or dedication to my work - it's that on days like today, where there isn't a cloud in the sky and it's a balmy 73 degrees I fear I would not come back and be listed as MIA.

Try saying "canoodling in an igloo" 10 times fast.

~ The Office Scribe

Having A Senior Moment...

2011-05-24T22:15:00.000-05:00

I had all these great things to post yesterday, some said by coworkers, others just random observations. I wrote them all down on a piece of paper to post last night. But then I lost the piece of paper and can't remember anything.

Getting old isn't fun.

~ The Office Scribe

“Apathy is a sort of living oblivion.” - Horace Greeley

2011-05-17T21:02:00.000-05:00

"Apathy is what people develop when they only have one more day of work left." - The Office Scribe

So I have Thursday and Friday off of work because twice a year I become what my friends mockingly refer to as a "gypsy" and sell my ware at a huge garage sale. I put up with the mocking because aside from getting rid of crap I no longer need and or want, I make some pretty decent money.

But because I have a short week at the old office, I have noticed that i just don't care what people are going to do while I am not there.

Example A:

Coworker - I need to work later on Thursday because I have someplace to go Wednesday night.

Me - I don't care.

Example 2:

Coworker - Did you see that (((fill in the blank))) is doing a presentation on Friday?

Me - I don't care.

Example III:

Coworker - Rumor has it a giant asteroid is going to plow into the western suburbs towards the end of the week and destroy all our cubicles.

Me - I don't care. (Meanwhile I start boxing my knick knacks just in case...)

I feel like Bradley Cooper in "The Hangover" where he is leaving school and the kid goes to ask him a question and he replies "You don't exist to me".

Can you tell I need a break?

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #52

2011-05-16T20:50:00.000-05:00

So I did something yesterday which aggravated an old injury and had to spend a good portion of the day standing instead of sitting at my desk. What could I have possibly injured 6 years ago that made it impossible to sit for longer than 20 minutes at a time today? As one of my Twitter followers pointed out - the funniest name for a part of the human body, my coccyx aka my tailbone. Those small pieces of bone that indicate that humans at one point had tails, but Charles Darwin then decided we didn't need them anymore. Slipped and broke it at my last job. And no, I didn't file a workman's comp claim. Sometimes you just need to suck it up and deal with the pain in your ass.

Note to coworkers - when someone sends out an invite for an "S Factor" class you don't need to inform them that you aren't really good at singing.

I spent the weekend downtown with family and had some of the best elevator conversations in my life. From the woman who told us we looked like we were going to have fun to the old man who winked and said he had my number, it was amazing. And it continued at my office when I walked into the elevator right as someone from an upper floor was taking a bite of a cookie. He apologized and said I caught him. I replied "I am sure there are worse things I can catch people doing in an elevator." His reply "rock on Aerosmith". Wow.

It's when you are in pain at work when you realize how many people are packing some form of painkillers in their desk drawers.

I am 90% sure that if I didn't remember to water my coworkers plant it would die. I guess it's my own damn fault for giving a male coworker a plant in the first place.

Never ask if I have a certain office product - you can always just assume I do.

How is it possible that the pollen count inside my office is higher than the air outside my office?

~ The Office Scribe

Pre Work Haiku

2011-05-12T08:31:00.000-05:00

Can not find the clothes

Thinking of going naked

HR would not like

Manic Monday #51

2011-05-09T22:44:00.000-05:00

There is nothing like the look on an IT person's face when you breathlessly dash into their cubicle babbling about the virus warning that popped up on your screen. It's a true Kodak moment.

I don't think I had a single cup of coffee at work today. It's official - the universe is off its axis. Quick - everyone in New Zealand jump up and down to knock it back on course. Or I guess I could just stop at Starbucks tomorrow morning. (FYI - Dear Mac - It's about time you start recognizing "Starbucks" as a properly spelled word and quit underlining it in red.)

In an ode to Michael Jackson today I went to work sporting white gym socks with my black Mary Janes. Okay, so it was more like I forgot to pack black socks when I left for my moms house on Friday and was just too lazy to ask my mom for a pair this morning.

If I don't do some serious laundry soon "business casual" is going to mean "olive green yoga pants and a ski sweater with reindeer".

Kudos to the marketing people at Sunsweet - you packaged these "dried plums" in such a way that I didn't realize I had just bought individually wrapped prunes until I got home.

Just in case you were curious, that odd green glow coming from my desk whenever I shut off my light is not, in fact, a toxic waste spill. It's just my glow-in-the-dark Bat Pez Dispenser filled with grape PEZ (Really, is there any other flavor?)

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #50

2011-05-02T21:36:00.000-05:00

Wow, this is the 50th (numbered) Manic Monday I have done. And yes, I know I would have reached this milestone a lot faster had I posted on a more regular basis. So sue me... I have a life. And OnDemand cable. (That Ricky Gervais show is addictive!)

Sometimes I am too lazy to reply to people's e-mails so I'll just walk over to their desks to answer their questions. And it always makes me giggle to see them freak out. Like inside the sanctity of their cubicle, they completely forget about the hundred plus other people milling about the office.

A cell phone went off at work today and the ring tone sounded like bells. One coworker remarked that an angel must have gotten its wings while I just had the song "I Hear The Bells" stuck in my head for the following hour.

Speaking of music - I was at the ~~gym~~ ~~health club~~ small room with workout equipment in my office and realized that I did better on the elliptical while listening to that Britney Spears/Ke$ha/Nicky Manij song "Until the World Ends". If you want an addictive guilty pleasure song, download it. If you feel like people judge you by what's on your iPod, then don't.

Using your thumb nail is a highly effective way to unpeel an orange. Unfortunately, it turns your nail orange and now I look like I have the Jersey Shore disease just on the thumb of my right hand. Or gads, maybe it is an outbreak of OompahLooompitis (the scary Gene Wilder one - not the Johnny Depp version.)

Big props to the Splinter Cell division of the Navy SEALS for finally getting Osama Bin Laden. I found out about it the same way 87% of the rest of people between the ages of 15 and 35 did - on my Facebook wall. Oh, and how about giving the working man a day off? Our office in England shut down for the Royal Wedding? You're telling me they can get time off to see powerless figureheads get hitched and we don't get some down time because we killed public enemy numero uno?

I love that the programmers at Microsoft created a feature on my Outlook calendar that is akin to a snooze button.

People shouldn't fear zombies, aliens or robots. The real fear should come from Canada geese. Those little buggers are everywhere, including the parking lot of my building, the retention pond of my building, and oh, the roof of my building. Last year I even saw one perched on top of a light post. Ye be warned.

It's been over a week since I dyed my hair and yes, while it is a tad darker than usual (think Elvira) I think it's funny that people still stop me in the halls and ask if I did something to it. I'm getting bored telling people the box of Feria lied to me. I'm telling the next person who asks that I spent the weekend cleaning up an oil spill with my head. I am hella environmental like that.

~ The Office Scribe

~ Manic Monday

Q&A With Me

2011-04-21T19:55:00.000-05:00

Want to know what I think about office supplies, work lunches and clothes from Eddie Bauer?

Then head over to The Shoplet Blog and check out the answers to the Q&A!

And yes, it is very possible that I am the first office blogger to have this honor...

~ The Office Scribe

Scribe Style - How to Fix The Printer

2011-04-14T23:42:00.000-05:00

Step One - Get up from desk after watching coworkers mutter over printer and attempt to understand the cryptic paper jam removal instructions.

Step Two - Sigh heavily, attempting to conceal the smirk that is itching to spread on your face.

Step Three - Ignore paper jam removal instructions.

Step Four - Open tray 1, close tray 1.

Step Five - Open tray 2, close tray two.

Step Six - Turn machine 180 degrees, look in back, turn machine back.

Step Seven - Press the green button.

Step Eight - Bask in the glory of having fixed the printer jam, even though no paper was actually jammed.

Step Nine - Repeat steps one through eight at least once a day.

Seriously, I sometimes think the printer guys have installed some sort of candid camera and trigger paper jam errors by remote just to mess with us.

~ The Office Scribe

Panic At The Disco - And By Disco I Mean My Cubicle

2011-04-12T20:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday everyone on my side of the building was sent an Outlook invite for a meeting. There would be four of these meetings, back to back to back to back. No one knew what they were going to be about*...

So naturally that means within 5 minutes of the invite going out, people were gathered around my desk, looking for answers.

Quite a few people assume I know everything, because, well, I tell them I do. But in the rare instance when I don't know something (like the topic of the meeting) I just tend to make things up.

So here are some fun rumors I attempted to float around the office, as to the purpose of the meeting:

- HR has decided we needed to wear uniforms. Jumpers for everyone!

- All the coffee is being replaced with Red Bull (sans vodka)

- Promotions are now going to be determined "Hunger Games**" style

- Jelly beans have been declared the new currency of the realm (both Starburst and Jelly Belly)

- This years company summer outing is being held at a Leaps & Bounds

- The entire office is moving to the basement of the Alamo

- I'm being named Vice President of Sarcasm

- Mandatory office participation in Locks of Love

Seriously, my coworkers should know better than to ask me.

~ The Office Scribe

* Turns out, it was nothing bad. People were freaking out about nothing.

** If you haven't been forced to read this book by your pre-teen or a book club, go out and read it anyway. Nothing like a bunch of kids killing each other to win a childrens literary award!

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY - NEW OFFICE POLICY

2011-04-07T19:45:00.000-05:00

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year - They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

One of my coworkers sent this to me and since I was going to be lazy and not post tonight, I thought "oooh, easy post!".

~ The Office Scribe

We Laugh Because We Care

2011-04-06T21:21:00.000-05:00

There are lots of ways to show that you care about your coworkers...

You could tell them that they are doing a wonderful job once a week.

You could bring them a bagel from Dunkin' Donuts when you stop to get one for yourself.

You could nominate them for employee of the year.

Or you could just giggle uncontrollably after they fall out of a coworkers chair (after making sure they are alright, of course).

Guess which one of these I did today?

~ The Office Scribe

A Cube With A View

2011-04-05T20:36:00.000-05:00

I know there are companies that choose their offices based on prestigious addresses or a nice view. My office doesn't have either of those, but I love the location. Here's why:

1) Food
There have to be about 20 places within a 5 minute drive where one can go get some tasty vitals. Feel like a burrito? There's Chipotle. Soup in a bread bowl with a side of bread? Try Panera. Chicago hot dog? Portillo's of course! Disgusting pizza served buffet style? That place NEXT to Panera!

2) Early Warning
At 10:00 a.m. on the first Tuesday of every month (like today) the tornado siren is tested. And since it is, oh, level with where I park my care, we can hear it really well inside the building. REALLY WELL. Which I can only assume means that when a tornado actually strikes, or aliens attack, or whatever causes that thing to go off, we will be able to get to safety just that much faster. Which as we know (because of Hollywood) a few seconds can be the difference between life and death.

3) Traffic
No, I am not excited that we have a lot of traffic. I am excited because I can see how bad the traffic is on my route home from my window. Well, from the window I can see if I turn 180 degrees, stand up, and look over my coworkers cubicle.

Hmm, I just realized I may have provided some of you with enough information to track me down. Well, let the stalking begin*!

~ The Office Scribe

* 4) Key Cards and Desk Guards
Good luck with that whole stalking thing.

Manic Monday #49

2011-04-04T20:51:00.000-05:00

Holy crap that new highlighter is pink. I bet that's what Barbie's blood looks like.

My mom gave me a Tassimo home brewing system a few weeks ago. I just got around to hooking it up and now I think I am addicted. Seriously, if they made a portable version (of the brewer) I would be up 24/7. I am waiting for them to make a version for the car. That would be amazing!

It is my fault the candy dish is full. It is not my fault that you are eating the candy.

Thank god the ice machine is once again working in the lunch room. I for one, am so much happier when there is something in the office that makes the place feel like a hotel. (Plus I think my mom is the only person who likes "tepid" water.)

Yesterday was 74 degrees and sunny. Today was grey and in the 40's. Isn't spring in the midwest wonderful?

~ The Office Scribe

Where The Hell Have I Been?

2011-04-03T20:09:00.000-05:00

The gym.

And I am down 10 pounds.

So quit complaining. I'll be around more next week.

~ The Office Scribe

Fav St. Patrick's Day Quote From The Office

2011-03-18T00:19:00.002-05:00

"They didn't have any, but I did run into the day drinkers. The ones buying forties" - Co-worker who ran out to buy a lime from a liquor store.

~ The Office Scribe

Consuming Alcohol In The Office

2011-03-16T20:18:00.000-05:00

Sure, we've all heard the rumors that people have liquor stashed in their desk drawers around the office. For some it might be scotch. For others, a nip of schnapps. But tomorrow, for me and mine, it will be beer, whiskey and creme liquor...

You may be asking yourself "Office Scribe, how do you plan on getting away with that much hooch in the office?"

By turning it into a cupcake of course...

Stay tuned for pics of my famous Irish Car Bomb Cupcakes.

Seriously, they are the best thing I have ever invented, since I invented sliced bread.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #48

2011-02-28T22:19:00.000-06:00

I was at my desk for exactly 4 minutes before the printer decided to cause problems this morning. I think that has to be a record.

Zero calorie salad dressing is alright for something that has zero calories and 40 ingredients I can't pronounce.

A new employee is sitting with me on Wednesday so I can explain my job to them. My fear is that I'll be judged by the random stuff I have at my desk. I mean, seriously, what does it say about me that I have a Pope snow globe, baby Darth Vader, and one of the aliens from the Toy Story movie amongst my files?

If what I am currently doing for a living doesn't work out, I think I want to mentor troubled actors. I could do so much good for the Charlie Sheens and Lindsay Lohans of the world by smacking them upside the head and locking them in a cellar until they realize what lucky bastards they really are and to stop messing everything up because the common man has NO patience or sympathy for wasting talent and or money on coke and hookers.

Cubicles need doorbells.

These 5 Hour Energy ads make it look like making a pot of coffee and drinking a cup to be the hardest tasks in the world. I hate to think what they would do to something a tad more complicated, like driving a car or brain surgery.

~ The Office Scribe

My Newest Profession - Weather(wo)man

2011-02-26T15:55:00.000-06:00

This past Thursday something happened to me, which can only be described as spiritual. I was calmly sitting at my desk, when I was struck by a bolt of lightning known to many as a "calling". Religious fanatics have these all the time... a higher power speaks to them and sets them on the path of destiny. And while this occurrence is common in caves and cult compounds, it rarely ever happens within the confines of ones cubicle.

But there I sat, patiently going about my day last Thursday, when I heard the voice...

The first whisper came in the form of the morning radio as I awoke (sadly not to the radio, but that is for another post). There was mutterings about how Chicago was going to be hit with another wave of snow, not as bad as the Snowpocolypse of 2011 but enough that it would cause havoc on the roadways later in the day...

Next, I was contacted by the powers via e-mail. A company wide e-mail had gone out announcing that the hotel next door was running a special "Snow Rate" for anyone who wished to spend the night and not attempt to go home in the chaos that people were predicting....

At a meeting a short while later, someone declared that they had heard that the snow predictions had gone from 1-3 inches to possibly 9, enough to once again bring the Chicagoland area to its knees...

Lastly, some coworkers whose cubicles are located a short distance from mine stood around, discussing the possibility of being snowed in the following day, their cars trapped by the piles of snow that the news was predicting...

And that's when the bolt hit me. I felt it go through my body like an electric shudder. I stood upright, and announced in a clear voice...

"Don't listen to the news. We are going to get less than half an inch. You won't be snowed in tomorrow."

My coworkers looked at me and smiled, possibly thinking that I had lost my mind. They continued to speak of bringing work home with them and of stopping off to gather supplies before the storm.

I sat back down at my desk, feeling not a sense of defeat, but of enlightenment. I was sure that come the following day, everyone would be back at the desks...

I woke Friday morning, my blinds closed to keep out the winter sun (seriously, I sleep like a vampire) and wondered if my prediction could have been correct. I was almost fearful to look outside, for if there was a ton of snow, then possibly I was losing my mind. I gathered myself and lurched out of bed (no grace before coffee) and peeked out of the window. And what do you think I saw?

If you said 5-9 inches of snow, you would most certainly be wrong.

As I predicted, there was about 1/2 inch of snow, if that, covering the ground. There was so little accumulation that the maintenance guy at my building was using a push broom as opposed to a shovel. I was ecstatic with the knowledge that I know had the power to predict the weather like some sort of Greek god, or Marvel superhero.

Which is why I marched into my boss' office on Friday, handed in my resignation, and applied to be a meteorologist at Channel 5 news.

Okay, so that last sentence was nothing but lies, but I was pretty proud of myself for being able to properly forecast the weather sans fancy equipment and a green screen.

It's nice to know if my current job doesn't work out, I have something to fall back on (besides bartending, baking, butchering, writing, landscaping, organ donation, ninja assassin, peg board operator, captain of a cruise ship and homeless clown.)

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #47

2011-02-21T20:56:00.000-06:00

A lot of people told me I was really quiet today. I tried to convince them it was because I was really busy. I don't think it worked.

8 of us are in the midst of doing our version of the Biggest Loser, which is running for three months. And I will win. Why? Because I eat healthy and work out? No, because when money is on the line I will shut it down. And by it, I mean my lethargic lifestyle and love of carbs. This contest is mine. So, to those coworkers not in the contest - stop asking me why my candy dish is empty. Keep it up and I won't let use any of my winnings to fill it back up.

Who has two thumbs and almost slipped and fell out on the parking lot today? This gal! (And practically everyone else. Dear building, what happened to that wacky beet juice stuff that makes the ice go away?)

Do you ever prepare a lie, just in case you have to use it? I did that today. I came straight from my mom's house to work this morning, and forgot to pack work shoes, so I wore my running shoes, which is against dress code. So I figured if anyone asked, I would tell them "Oh, I did something to my foot this weekend and had to wear these." A good lie. Simple. Brief. And easy to believe. But of course, no one asked, so that one can go back in the ol' file cabinet in my brain.

Sometimes I fear that I will start singing the song playing on my iPod out loud. And then everyone will know I paid $1.29 for "Grenade".

~ The Office Scribe

Viva La Auto Text!

2011-02-09T21:39:00.000-06:00

About sixth months ago or so, the IT department at my company started telling everyone that come the first quarter or 2011 all of the computers in the company would be upgraded to Office 2010.

Pretty good idea huh? I mean, upgrading computer software is always a good idea. (Note to self, run update check on Mac...)

Soon after the news of Office 2010 was announced a rumor started to spread through the office, slowly at first, but then gaining speed like a runaway freight train.

The rumor? That as awesome as Office 2010 was touted to be, it wouldn't have the Auto Text feature.

(Insert tire screech sound effect here)

Excuse me? But Auto Text happens to be the best most awesomest feature in the entire history of computers. Screw the ability to order pizzas or perform surgery from your computer - nothing beats the ability to type only 3 words and have an entire 2 page letter magically appear on the screen. It's a lazy employees best friend.

So last week the training schedule for Office 2010 came out and people went into sheer blood panic mode. They started saving their auto text items and e-mailing them to their home accounts, lest the new software completely destroy all their hard work. The rumors spread faster as the panic levels increased. At my birthday lunch yesterday someone mentioned it and I was afraid people were going to abandon their tasty Olive Garden* and go running for the hills.

Later on yesterday, the first group of space monkeys went to Office 2010 training. One of them came back after 2 hours, stopped right in my cubicle and said "Um, there's Auto Text in 2010".

(Insert tire screech sound effect here)

Huh? What? How could this be? I specifically remember someone telling me that Office 2010 didn't have Auto Text. Of course, I couldn't remember who told me, just that someone had. Which is probably why my fellow coworkers and I spent the next 5 minutes all blaming each other for starting such a horrible rumor.

In the midst of this, the trainer walks by and we ask, our hearts full of hope, "Is it true? Does Office 2010 have Auto Text?"

We waited for her answer with bated breath.

"Um, yeah, of course it does. But it just isn't called Auto Text. I think it's called Quick Parts or something like that."

So I guess whoever started the rumor wasn't entirely wrong, whoever that cruel soul was...

~ The Office Scribe

* Random thought that I had while staring at the Olive Garden bag from my lunch. Where are the olives? Where are there grapes on their logo and not olives? And also, as a person who just came back from Israel and saw A LOT of olive trees, the only time I saw them in a "garden" were in the Garden of Gethsamene, which leads me to believe that the fine folks at the Olive Garden believe their food to be Christ like.

And you thought my manic thoughts only happened on Mondays...

Manic Monday - The Too Much To Recap Edition

2011-02-07T21:09:00.000-06:00

Okay, so a lot has happened in my life since I last posted. So much in fact that I can't possibly blog about it all, but since I love lists, I'll just randomly list all the things which happened.

- Snowpocolypse 2011

- Cheeseheads won Super Bowl

- Spent the night in a hotel with 25 fellow employees and it was awesome

- I turned a year older

- The country of Egypt decided to change things up

- I suffered from the worst jet lag EVER

- I read 12 books - and no, I am not kidding. That damn Kindle is ruining my TV watching schedule

- I tried Walgreens beer

- Head cold from hell

- I'm being haunted by a Sing-A-Ma-Jig (Google at your own risk)

- Can't stop singing Cee Lo Green

I'm sure some other stuff happened, but I can't think back that far. But I will try to get back on some kind of schedule instead of you know, not posting.

Yay...

~ The Office Scribe

And On The Third Day...

2011-01-27T07:29:00.000-06:00

Hi all! That's right, I'm back. Did you all miss me? I bet you did. I really wanted to keep you updated while I was on my travels, but I wasn't going to pay for Wi-Fi in the hotels. I mean, I love you guys, but not at 30 shekels an hour...

Anywho.... I'll be updating later with some insights from my travels, but not now. Why? Because I am suffering from some massive jet lag and I have no idea what time zone I am currently in. (Okay, it's Central - shut up.)

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #46

2011-01-17T20:36:00.000-06:00

Thank god the vending machine has Pop Tarts (frosted strawberry - my fav) since I have no food in my house. But the strange looks I received from my coworkers while heating it weren't cool. Come on people, who says it has to be heated in a toaster and not in a microwave? Maybe I like my fruit filing to be scalding!

I don't care if I am in the office for half a day tomorrow - I put my out of office on my phone and e-mail today. Protocol be damned!

It was snowing when I left for work this morning. Sometime throughout the day it turned to rain. When this happens in Chicago, it means the roads become skating rinks? Need an example? I saw a Yukon do a 180 spin while going down the ramp of the parking deck. Thank god it didn't hit anyone because, you know, I was tired and really wanted to get home. Oh yeah, and because car accidents are um, bad.

At the register, with a line of people behind you, is not the time nor place to argue about how the ugly blue eye shadow you are buying should be 10 cents less. You don't want your obituary to read how an angry mob beat you down with gallons of milk and road salt bags because you have poor taste in make up and are cheap.

If anyone in my office ever decides to go postal, I am putting big money on it being a printer related rampage.

Thanks to everyone who stayed home today and made my commute decent. I'll return the favor by going on a business trip out of the country for the next week. Yayyyyyy!

P.S. - Stop talking about the Bears/Packers playoff game. Why? Because something tells me I won't be able to get the game in the middle of the night in Israel. Boo.

~ The Office Scribe

*** Hopefully I'll be able to tweet or post during my travels because I know you guys would miss my random words of wisdom if you didn't hear from me for a whole week.

Time To Rent "Passion of the Christ"...

2011-01-05T21:13:00.000-06:00

Why?

Because I'm going to Israel.

I'l pause while the jealousy sets in.

Wait, you're note jealous?

Well you should be, because ladies and gentlemen, this isn't for a vacation. This is a...

WORK TRIP!!!

Yep, and I leave in 2 weeks so there isn't much time to prepare. I've already downloaded the Bible onto my Kindle and keep saying "Shalom" to everyone, but I am looking for suggestions as how to prepare. I expect comments. Lots and lots of comments.

And ye be warned - if I think the comments are offensive, I'll delete them. Then I will mock you openly as being a horrible person. Why? Because this is my blog and I can do what I want!

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The "Happy 2011" Edition

2011-01-04T00:04:00.000-06:00

Nothing like coming back to work after the holidays and seeing the parking lot once again filled with cars. Did kind of make me wonder where the hell 90% of these people were.

Tomorrow is my annual evaluation. I hate these things. I assume if I were doing a poor job someone would have told me, or you know, fired me.

If you are always looking for a delicious snack might I suggest strawberry yogurt and almonds?

I love recapping the holidays with coworkers and finding out that everyone basically had a chill New Years because everyone was too tired to really whoop it up. Proof that New Years Eve needs to be moved further away from Christmas to give those of us who don't save our vacations days until the end of the year some down time.

There is a rumor of a Biggest Loser style competition going down in my office this year. And while one of my goals is to drop a few pounds, nothing inspires me like some good healthy competition and the lure of cold cash. I'll keep you posted.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #45

2010-12-20T20:54:00.000-06:00

I realized today that all my friends who are teachers are on Winter Break. And I hate each and every one of them. I don't care what anyone says - teachers have it easy. (Bring on the arguments people!)

Last Friday was my holiday party at work so today was the debriefing. And I have to say, everyone was really mature about describing the after party. Even though, for those of us who were there, we knew that at times, it was anything BUT mature. (And I learned it's easier to prove sobriety if you can walk a line with your hands in your pockets!)

I wonder how many people in the Midwest are sitting at home, watching the snow fall outside, praying that there is so much that they don't have to go to work tomorrow. I wish I could be one of those people, but sadly, I own a Jeep Liberty so I have no excuse.

Speaking of driving, on my snowy drive home today I saw a guy try to play Spin the Bottle with his car. Silly little Toyota.

For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter (shame on you!) let me bring you up to speed on the battle raging in my apartment. On Saturday, I noticed some evidence that I might have a mouse. So I did what any card carrying member of PETA* would do and I bought me some traps. Within an hour I had snapped one of those little suckers. When I woke up this morning, there was another one. Both are now residing on my frozen patio, turning into what I called "micicles" or, what my coworker called "stalagmice". (I work with some damn clever people!)

Where is my red pen? How can I make corrections to papers if I don't have my red pen? Because I don't think my normal choice of purple ink really inspires the fear that it should.

~ The Office Scribe

* PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals. Come on people, I was a butcher!

My Christmas Wish

2010-12-14T22:40:00.000-06:00

According to every single holiday show on Lifetime, We, and the Hallmark Channel, Christmas is the time of year to make grand wishes.

Some people wish for peace.

Some people wish for love.

Me? My wish is much more grand and profound.

I wish to one day live in a world where plastic dry cleaning bags no need to bear a label that warns people that it is not a child's toy and that it shouldn't be placed over the head.

Charles Darwin, I am looking towards your ghost to make my wish come true.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The Sub-Zero Edition

2010-12-13T21:24:00.000-06:00

Please note - If you are reading this post because you think it will my thoughts on a certain Mortal Kombat character*, you are sadly mistaken.

Just because I wasn't at work today didn't mean I wasn't working. Unless you consider putting tinsel on an 11 foot Christmas tree with a 120 lb Rottweiler who thinks the thin, silver plastic strands are a treat isn't work.

You ever put in for a vacation day towards the end of the year (because your company has it 'use it or lose it" policy) and wonder if you picked the correct random day? Well, I guess I picked the right day, since I was 80 miles from home at my moms place when the Midwest decided to re-enact the movie The Day After Tomorrow. 50 mph winds, blowing snow, freezing temperatures - the whole 9 yards. And since I didn't think Dennis Quaid would be coming to rescue me from the frozen tundra and deliver me to work this morning, kudos to me for taking today off!

How much do you think it would cost to invent a giant hairdryer that can be strapped to the back of snow plows so they could melt the snow off the streets? And follow up, do you think the car wash people would fight this invention since it would mean no more salt, which would me no more car washes?

Taking a break from a craft project. That project? Making a pinata of my company logo for our fiesta themed holiday party Yes, I am that cool of an employee.

My purchases from Cyber Monday finally showed up. 5 brand new pairs of pants specifically purchased to enhance my work wardrobe. Because, as it turns out, most companies don't like it when you show up without pants on. I can only assume Chippendales is one of the few exceptions to this rule.

~ The Office Scribe

* BTW - The entire time I was typing this entry I had the MK theme song stuck in my head. Damn that song is catchy.

The Red Light of Death

2010-12-09T22:12:00.000-06:00

I think my phone at work is messing with me.

Each time I would leave my desk, I would come back to what I refer to as the red light of death. Anyone who works in an office knows what I am talking about. That little LED light in the bottom corner of your phone which alerts you to the fact that there is a message waiting.

I maybe have two messages on my phone a day, and one of those is always from my mom.

Today I took 14 messages off my phone, and only one was from my mom.

The thing is, my phone barely rang while I was sitting at my desk. I even checked the ringer volume at one point, just to make sure it was actually working.

That damn red light is a thudding heart beneath the floorboards.

~ The Office Scribe

Bad Economy My Ass

2010-12-07T19:45:00.000-06:00

Today I wasn't at work. No, I didn't get canned right before Christmas (how horrible would that be?) nor did I pull a "Half Baked" (Don't worry, you're all cool) and storm out.

I had the day off.

Each holiday season I like to take a random day off in December to go shopping. You have to admit, it is a pretty logical thing to do. I mean, why deal with the crowds in malls on the weekends when you can have the stores to yourself and park in a place that isn't what my friends and I called in high school "rape-o land".

Turns out, that wasn't the case today as every single place I went was packed. At 1:15 in the afternoon. On a Tuesday.

Okay, so maybe your mind went to the first place mine did. "There are a lot of people out of work, so I guess they have the time to go out shopping when the rest of the world is trapped in a cubicle."

Um, but if they are out of work, how do they have the money to go shopping?

So my mind went to "Perhaps they are just picking up one or two presents and keeping it simple."

Um, but if they were keeping it simple, why were people walking out of Best Buy with carts of electronics, bags emblazoned with designers like Coach and Burberry at the mall, and trunks full of brightly colored toys from that damn giraffe?

Because the bad economy is a myth.

I am sure there are people out there having to tighten their belts (hell, I am one of them) because the future seems uncertain, but come on. There is no way things can be bad when I can't find a parking spot in front of Crate & Barrel. (No one NEEDS anything from a Crate & Barrel. A person can find a version of everything they sell for much less money at say, Target.)

So sorry news media, government stooges, and those who cry poor, I ain't buying it anymore. Or at least I am a nonbeliever until I see some free parking spots.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #44

2010-12-06T20:33:00.000-06:00

I have two coworkers who are traveling abroad for business right now. I am 97% sure they are actually on a Black Ops mission for the CIA. Of course, this could be because I am watching the entire series of "Alias" on DVD. But no, I am pretty sure they are saving the world from total destruction.

The only thing bad about having a random day off in the middle of the week is all the prep work that has to occur so that the amount of work when you return isn't so overwhelming that you want to jump out of the window onto the cold concrete below. Hence the reason I was at work late today, scaring the cleaning people.

Yes, those are Scrumdiddlyumptious Bars in my candy dish. And if you give them to Slugworth, I will smack you.

My office would be better with some monkeys in it.

It makes me smile when the office building decorates for Christmas. So future husband, take note - if you want a grin out of me, all it takes is some faux garland and twinkle lights.

The beet de-icing stuff is back on the parking deck, and I hate it as much as I did last year.

~ The Office Scribe

Weird Day...

2010-12-01T21:22:00.000-06:00

Ever have one of those days that doesn't seem real?

That would be today.

Need an example? I'll do you one better. I'll give you a quote.

"If it has a pulse, you can sacrifice it."

Enough said.

~ The Office Scribe

The Best Bucket List Item Ever

2010-11-23T23:26:00.001-06:00

Today the sun was streaming in at such an angle that I couldn't help but think of the scene in Temple of Doom Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indian Jones is in the pit using the thing on a stick to located the ark.

So I shoot an e-mail off to my coworker informing him that I believe I am being lead to the Ark of the Covenant.

His reply: If you want to go find it, I'll drive. I've always wanted to see a Nazi melt.

Best. Bucket. List. Item. Ever.

And I guess Dr. Jones is one of the few than can check that off...

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #43

2010-11-22T23:19:00.001-06:00

The best conversations you can have with your coworkers aren't work related. For example - today a coworker and I had a conversation about who caused more problems in the world - vampires or werewolves. Huh?

Woke up to a balmy 65 degree day, which was highly unusual for this late in November in Chicago. Of course, that probably the reason my mom called me with sirens blaring in the background to inform me that she was watching a tornado about a mile or so from her house. What makes this even more bizarre? Last night I had a dream that my dad and I were in a tornado and to save ourselves we chained ourselves to a fence and it worked. Did I mention "Twister" is one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies?

The most dangerous website in the world is the Oriental Trading Company.

I am afraid the seasonal plague is starting at work as it seems everyone is in search of tissues. Now is the time of year where I want to become the Girl in the Plastic Cubicle.

You know what happens when the office is closed on a Friday? Yeah, that's right. We get casual Wednesday instead!

~ The Office Scribe

Bad Karma - or - Bad Ass?

2010-11-17T21:09:00.000-06:00

Legend has it, there will come a time when those in need of a hero shall cry out, and one shall appear. This hero, armed with weapons, shall be fearless and protect those who cannot defend themselves. The here will vanquish all that is evil and the masses shall rejoice.

That time was today...

Or maybe I just heard some co-workers talking about how there was a spider in the printer and my inner Girl Scout came out. I strolled up to the printer, scared the 8 legged fiend out of hiding and sent him to meet his maker.

People were glad I killed it and the day got back to normal.

Until someone said how you never kill a spider because it is bad luck.

In my efforts to protect those I work with, did I just screw myself over in the karma department?

~The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #42

2010-11-15T23:35:00.000-06:00

Nothing makes the day go slower than knowing that dinner means bacon wrapped dates and sangria.

I just realized I left something on the printer. There is a decent chance it will still be there tomorrow, unless the printer gnomes got to it. If you work in an office with a communal printer, you know what I am talking about. You could make it to the printer in record time and sometimes your stuff has already disappeared.

Something tells me my office may not be pager friendly. And that something is that it is not the year 1996.

Nothing shocks my coworkers more than when I take 10 minutes in the morning to straighten my hair, rather than throwing it up in a clip as usual. So remember, the simplest way to shock and awe is minute grooming.

I know geography pretty well and I don't think Chicago is north of the Arctic Circle. So could someone explain to me why the sun sets at 4:43 p.m. making it seem like the world has been plunged into eternal darkness.

~ The Office Scribe

I Mourn For The Pilgrims

2010-11-11T22:23:00.001-06:00

I came out of work today on the second story of the parking deck and froze in my tracks...

Because where I stood, I could see a giant white Christmas tree on top of the mall up the street.

Words can't describe my anger.

I weep for the turkeys and maize.

~ The Office Scribe

The Reason I'm Away From My Desk

2010-11-11T00:15:00.000-06:00

Since they turned on the heat in my building I have slowly started to feel myself dry out into some sort of dehydrated vegetable. Raisin? No, to common. Prune. Ewww. I would have to go with a date - slightly shriveled, but still sweet and especially tasty when wrapped in bacon.

To combat the encroaching dryness, I decided to take the drastic action of drinking the recommended servings of water (or whatever liquid) per day. Please note, this is not as easy as it seems. 8 - 8 oz glasses of water is a lot of liquid to consume. But if it stops me from looking like Mrs. Bates at the end of Psycho, I will drink.

My quest started last week with water. I am one of those people who really likes water. Plain old water. No bubbles, no flavors, just water. But the thing about drinking that much straight water is it feels like a chore. So I decided to switch it up a bit, and go with Iced Tea.

I love Iced Tea possibly more than any other person on the face of the planet. While I was on vacation last month, I think I drank 2-3 glasses a meal (and not that weird sweet tea stuff they have down south, just straight up tea on the rocks). If I could have one of those giant metal dispensers like at Panera installed in my house, I would.

But since I don't have one of those at home, or at work, I came up with a way to get my hydration on via tea.

Step 1 - Take 32 oz. Nalgene bottle and fill 3/4 full with hot water from the handy tap in the coffee machine

Step 2 - Insert 2 Lipton tea bags (regular, non flavored tea)

Step 3 - Let steep for 2 minutes

Step 4 - Top off bottle with ice.

Step 5 - Consume

This is working wonders for me. I no longer feel like my eyeballs are shriveling inside my head.

There just seems to be one downfall. I am going to be classy and not mention it, but I think you may now understand the title of this post...

~ The Office Scribe

Sorry To Dissapoint

2010-11-09T19:42:00.000-06:00

A coworker whom I work closely with is currently out of the office. And since I am his back up, quite a few people have inquired as to his whereabouts. When I tell them "on vacation in Europe" their reply has a note of disappointment in it. (Though I am not sure why - I'd be pretty happy to be in Europe instead of my cubicle.)

But it got me thinking that perhaps I should start to get more creative when answering questions about people's whereabouts.

At first I thought I would go the dramatic route - mention something about a loss in the family. But after trying to think how to explain random sympathy cards and flowers I scrapped that.

Then I thought I'd go wacky - like parachuting over Everest with a monkey. But in today's age of social media, people would know it was all a lie when it didn't end up on Facebook.

Hoarding was my next thought - Okay, mainly because I was reading an article about it on lunch today. But come on - being buried alive under a stack of old Reader's Digest was a bit to "CSI".

So I am turning to you. What should I start telling people? The more creative, the better.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #41

2010-11-08T21:38:00.000-06:00

A co-worked called me this morning to ask if I would bring him Starbucks. I said sure. At said coffee franchise, the youngin' who waited on me kinda looked like the werewolf from those "Twilight" movies. I don't know which was more pathetic - that he has the looks of a teen heartthrob and is making lattes or that I am 28 years old and my first thought was "That guy looks like Jacob Black".

Choosing your companies holiday party theme based solely on the desire for a nacho cheese fountain may be the best idea we have ever had.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - the best part about working at a company where so many people travel abroad it the cool candy that ends up in my candy dish upon their return. Mini Toberlones anyone?

Jimmy John's should really just open a franchise in the lobby of my office building and save the driver that 2 block drive.

Last Friday it was so cold at work that people were leaving the building in gloves and scarves. Today, I didn't even need a jacket. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we are in a horrible economy. The inconsistent weather patterns mean we have to have both a summer and a winter wardrobe in November. Where's the government bailout for my Eddie Bauer bill?

I guess it's that time of year where I should bring a box of tissues for my desk - because blowing ones nose in index cards only lasts for so long. (Can you say nasal paper cut?)

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #40

2010-11-01T20:06:00.000-05:00

Sadly, this was not a truly Manic Monday. I tried to think about things to write, but I was too busy at work and too tired.

If I ever mention how I am going to a party, would someone please remind me I am no longer 18 and can't quite bounce back like I used to?

~ The Office Scribe

Things That Go Bump In The Office

2010-10-30T15:38:00.000-05:00

There is nothing like turning Casual Friday into Costume Friday...

Sadly, not many people dressed up in my office this year. (Oh, don't worry, I did. I might even post some pics.)

But for those of you who also find yourselves working 9 to 5 within the padded walls of a cubicle, did people dress up at your office? And if so, what did people dress up as?

Let me know in the comments section. I need to know that the spirit of Halloween isn't dying offices.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #39

2010-10-25T21:41:00.000-05:00

I take one little week off of work and when I come back I find that two major changes have occurred. First, the construction which made my commute miserable IS OVER!!! And second, when I leave the office now it is DARK. I guess I can't win at everything.

Coworkers kept asking if I was okay because it looked like I was crying. I tried telling them it was because I was overwhelmed with emotion upon seeing them after having the week off. They weren't buying it. I was then forced to explain that the moment I entered my county yesterday my allergies decided to kick in. Not nearly as impressive.

My stapler must have read my blog (or one of you talked!) because it decided to end it all today. In the middle of stapling three pages, it became so jammed up that I wasn't able to fix it. The family has requested that in lieu of flowers that donations be made to the "Buy The Office Scribe A New Stapler Fund".

Where the hell did all my paperclips go?

This may be the last blog post ever because there is a weather rumor that something called the Great Lake Cyclone is said to hit Chicago with hurricane force winds today. So there is a chance I might be swept away to the magical land of Oz. But hey, maybe the Wizard finally got around to installing WiFi in the Emerald City. Then I could blog each day about the Horse of a Different Color!

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The New Orleans Edition

2010-10-18T23:03:00.000-05:00

Ha! And you thought just because I was on vacation there wasn't going to be a Manic Monday post this week. But how could I not keep you, my dedicated readers, up to date on my adventures in the deep south. And since my current port of call (New Orleans) has provided me with complimentary wi-fi, I thought I would share some thoughts from running around the Crescent City.

If you keep waking up at random time throughout the night, wondering why you have an overwhelming urge to go to the bathroom, it might be because of the fountain in the charming courtyard outside your French Quarter hotel.

Alligator is delicious when dipped in spinach dip.

Hey, strange guy walking down the street. You don't scare me. I'm from Chicago.

I need all of you to start selling candy bars or drugs or something because I want to buy this house. Not because of it's great location or amazing look. But because it was owned by a guy who was thought to be a real life vampire. No joke. So let's see how fast we can raise $2 million.

Most random thing ever - on my ghost tour I saw the Budwieser Clydesdales. It was weird, but at least I got some beads - and I didn't have to work for them!

~ The Office Scribe

Sunrise. Sunset. (All In The Span on 20 Minutes)

2010-10-13T22:02:00.000-05:00

Let it be known - I am not a morning person. Never have been, never will be. My parents were both early risers. Me, I'm a night owl. But since my office doesn't have a third shift, I have to get up in the morning, earlier than I would like, to make it to the office on time.

This morning started out like any other. My alarm went off, and after hitting the snooze 4 or 5 times, I knew I had to get up. So I opened my blinds to see that it was like outside (because I don't trust weathermen) and it was sunny. I go about getting ready for work, splash some water on my face, brush the teeth, try and find socks that match.

About 20 minutes later I walk past my blinds again, stop, back up, and look out into what I can only assume to be the sky at 8 o'clock PM. It was so dark outside that the lights in front of my building has come back on.

Had I fallen asleep? Did I pull a Rip Van Winkle and end up sleeping away time after a good game on 9 pins*?

Nope. As it turns out, there was a major front moving through which ended up dumping some rain on us, just as I left the apartment for work.

Maybe I should start listening to the weather report in the morning...

~ The Office Scribe

* I would act all superior about the literary reference I just dropped on y'all, but I like you guys, so I have to be honest. The only reason I knew about the 9 pins thing in Rip Van Winkle was from an episode of "Wishbone". God, whatever happened to that wise, book-reading Jack Russel?

My Precious

2010-10-12T19:52:00.000-05:00

When I started working at my current job the one thing I was truly excited about were the office supplies. I have said on this blog numerous times that I am an Office Supply addict. So when I got the chance to stock my cubicle with items I would be using on a daily basis I knew I had to do it right. Sure, I could have grabbed a handful of supplies from the mailroom like my fellow coworkers.

But that wouldn't have satiated my thirst for the awesome.

So I went out my first week and bought a cool pen holder that spins, some sorters for all the important files on and, the centerpiece of my office dwelling, a bright blue upright stapler.

I knew as soon as I saw it in the aisles of Office Depot that it had to be mine. I imagined how jealous my new coworkers would be when I stapled hundreds of pages a day with the greatest of ease with my ergonomically correct stapler.

So I purchased it and proudly displayed it.

As it turns out, this is a super stapler - one with the power to not only propel staples through a few sheets of paper, but crack the staples in half, leaving sharp, pointed pieces of metal, perfect for catching fingers on. I have shed a lot of blood because of this stapler - much more than I ever did in my 9 years as a butcher.

But I am stubborn. Much like Golem and the ring, I refused to part with my stapler (even though I am sure it's lack of ability to function properly was slowly driving me mad). I clutched at it, whispering sweetly to it, pleading with it to work.

Today though, I decided I have had enough. No more digging out stuck staples with a t-pin. No more smacking it against my thigh to realign the spring. No more breaking into hysterical sobs because I've witnessed my coworker use their stapler with no issues.

This is the last week I will be in possession of my precious blue stapler. When I get back from vacation I am throwing it away, for donating it would only be a cruel trick on the next poor soul who came to own it. And then I am going to march over to Office Depot and buy myself a new stapler because the $10 I will spend on will is cheaper than the therapy bill if I don't.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The I FINALLY HIT 100 FOLLOWERS Edition!!!

2010-10-11T22:06:00.000-05:00

Whoa. I take a few days off from my blog to watch my friend run the Chicago Marathon and I come back today and see that I officially have 100 followers. And while I thought there was going to be some special recognition, like a Google Doodle dedicated to me, I guess I'll get along just knowing that there are 100 people out there who care about what I have to say about working in an office. (Or are bored in their own offices and want to know they aren't the only ones out there!) So in honor of this auspicious moment, I give you...

100 RANDOM THOUGHTS I HAD TODAY

100. Sometimes I think I should feel bad that I combine the two half pots of coffee into one, so I can make a fresh pot for myself. But then, I think, "Fresh coffee!" and I don't feel bad anymore.

99. My friend and I were discussing scissors this weekend and she told me she doesn't have them at her desk. As I stared at my scissors today, I knew that when the zombie Apocalypse comes, I will be okay.

98. Work

97. Work

96. Office chair roundhouse kicks are the best defensive maneuver if you are in a fight with a coworker.

95. Work

94. I guess when Columbus discovered America it didn't include the private sector.

93. Lesson #436 - If you are nice to the guys at the cafe on the first floor they will sometimes give you free salad dressing.

92. Work

91. The only actual breakfast item in the vending machine are strawberry Pop Tarts. And while they will work in a pinch, I would prefer it if they would stock something better. Like Panera Bagels.

90. Work

89. Why do some people spell Carole with an "e"?

88. Work

87. I was told I was strange today and I took it as a compliment.

86. Work

85. Candy dishes should always be located in a place where they can be monitored.

84. Work

83. Work

82. Work

81. Work

80. The Yahoo! OMG! section is the perfect amount of entertainment gossip to read while at lunch.

79. I don't speak French, nor do I type in French, so why does Word keep wanting to install the French spellcheck on my computer?

78. Just remember - my elephant can beat your moose.

77. Work

76. Work

75. How many orange construction barrels does IDOT own?

74. Work

73. I told a supervisor that one of her employees was a big help. See, if you treat me well I will treat you well. The same goes if you treat me like crap. You've been warned.

72. Work

71. Work

70. Work

69. I think there might be gnomes who mess with the ringer volume level on my phone because when I got my first call this morning I bet they could hear it ringing in Indiana.

68. Glad I wasn't the only one who noticed the random dead bird on the parking deck. Seriously, where did it come from?

67. I saw that they are making "Zoolander 2" and I thought, "why?"

66. Work

65. Work

64. Coworker and I came to the conclusion today that beer probably wouldn't cure a head cold. That's why the Russians invented vodka.

63. Harp music creeps me out, but I love it.

62. I was tempted to start a bidding war for my services today but I figured that would be frowned upon by my team. Especially if another department came in with the winning bid.

61. Work

60. Work

59. Work

58. Work

57. I know I leave for vacation in a week, but I was really jealous when I saw someone come back today with a tan.

56. Why would anyone live in a place with Amity is its name? Did these people not watch horror movies from the 70's?

55. Work

54. Purple ink it my thing.

53. I had the Beer Run song stuck in my head. If you do not know this song it's probably because you didn't go to college. Or ever play trivia with me on Tuesdays.

52. People need to bring back the plaid blazers - and not in a hipster kind of way.

51. Work

50. Lunch

49. Bathroom

48. I love that there is a small table outside the bathroom door. It makes me feel like I work at a Barnes & Noble.

47. I would be 54% percent more efficient at work if they piped in Big Band music for me to type to.

46. Procedures - I don't like them.

45. Work

44. Work

43. Someone who parks on the first floor has my dream car and I want to track them down and ask if they would let me drive it around the parking lot.

42. My computer froze up more today than a sewer pipe in January (in Alaska...)

41. Work

40. Watch out, I am armed with a business card of a lawyer who specializes in sexual harassment cases and I am not afraid to use it. But chances are, since I can dish it as well as I can take it, I will never have a use for it...

39. I should have chopsticks at my desk.

38. They aren't lying - diet Dr. Pepper really does taste like regular Dr. Pepper

37. Work

36. When are they going to make a new JAWS movie? Seriously, they reboot everything else. Imagine that shark as a CGI composite instead of a mechanical fish? I'd pay to see that - and then mock it for being bad.

35. I sometimes think people see me leave my desk and call me, just to leave a message on my machine since I can't stand seeing that red light there.

34. If there is a higher power who created mankind, why did he (or she) make eyelashes? Someone once told me they were to keep the dust out of your eyes - but I just think it was a cruel joke to put something that can be that painful that close to your eyeball.

33. Do people still wear Dockers?

32. Work

31. Work

30. What time is it?

29. My brain tried to Rick Roll me today. I was not amused.

28. I love when people thank me for doing my job. One of these days I'm going to reply "Well that is what I get paid for, would you like to make a contribution?" and see how many people kick in a few shekels.

27. Work

26. Work

25. Work

24. Did my clock stop working? How could it only be 5 minutes later than the last time I looked?

23. There was a lot of talk about death at work today - a sure sign that it was a Monday.

22. Work

21. Glue sticks make me wish more office supplies came in convenient stick form.

20. Must buy more gum. Today I had onions at lunch and it didn't make for a happy afternoon breath-wise.

19. Remember - when you list foods that you are allergic too and include lima beans, I am going to think you lying. The same goes for spinach, liver and brussel sprouts.

18. Work

17. Work

16. What makes non-dairy creamer creamy?

15. Work

14. Derp

13. Sometimes the main reason I don't leave for lunch is fear I will never come back.

12. I am starting to wish for snow because that means the end of road construction season. The orange is starting to make me have homicidal thoughts.

11. Thank god for spell check (but only the English version).

10. Work

9. Work

8. I am trying to not go grocery shopping since I leave for vacation soon but I guess I can't go without eating for 5 days. I'm not Gandhi.

7. Water - Nature's Gatorade, sans the weird colors and flavors. Unless it's well water - then yes, it is a weird color and flavor.

6. Work

5. HA! So it was the secretary in the conference room with the Swingline!

4. Work

3. Work

2. As one coworker asked "Why are the last 5 minutes of the day the longest?" The world may never know.

1. Wow my minds sure does have a lot of thoughts in it...

Thanks to everyone who reads this thing on a regular basis. It makes me feel accomplished. Like a small child who finally learns to use the potty or a nerdy kid who finally reaches level 80 in World of Warcraft*

And maybe if I hit 1000 followers I'll do 1000 thoughts - that is, if my head doesn't explore first.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #38

2010-10-04T20:21:00.000-05:00

Today I went to Panera for a salad and they asked me if I wanted a white or wheat baguette. I said "No, I don't want any bread" which I guess is code at Panera for "I am a terrorist and will blow this place and all the bagels sky high". Because they looked at me like I was a crazy person.

One of my co-workers came over to my candy dish today and traded one regular Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for three miniature ones because they have a higher chocolate to peanut butter ratio.

I spent a good portion of the day rubbing my nose because I think they turned they heat on in the building and it's now really dry in the office. I am pretty sure this action lead some of my fellow office mates to think that I was imbibing in a certain illegal substance - prescription nasal spray. HA! Just kidding. I meant cocaine.

I stopped at Starbucks this morning and when I was up waiting for my beverage, the barista told the guy two in front of me, that she had accidently made 2 Cinnamon Dolce Lattes (Um, ewww?) and so he could have both. He looked at her suspiciously, took one cup, and walked out. The woman in front of me goes, "hell, I'll take it". When the person in the green apron offers you a free drink, you take the free drink!

I think the outfit I wore to work today made me look like a Gloucester fisherman.

Don't tell IT - but I don't think I shut my computer off tonight. I think instead of "Shut Down" I chose "Restart".

You know how you can get workman's comp if you get injured on the job? I wonder if I can get my company to pay for hair dye since I found a gray hair this morning, which is obviously caused by stress on the job.

~ The Office Scribe

Things You Shouldn't Huff At Work

2010-09-29T20:55:00.000-05:00

Markers
Sure, some people (me!) absolutely adore the smell of permanent markers. But a few too many whiff and that light headed feeling might make you forget that you have that meeting with the president after lunch.

Rubber Cement
The only reason you should huff this at work is, if you work at a place where there is rubber cement, there is a chance there are children around. Kids are hard enough to deal with when you have a clear head, never mind adhesive haze.

Other People's Lunches
If it looks like it smells bad, chances are it does. Don't feel the need to prove it.

~ The Office Scribe

*Sorry, it's been a long week at work already. My mind is going towards the weird.

Manic Monday #37

2010-09-27T22:45:00.000-05:00

So I was pretty sure I was going to come home today and find that I had been robbed. Why? Because when the guys installing new carpet in the hallway warned me about coming home during the day and possibly not being able to get in because of the glue and such, I said "Aw, don't worry, I won't be home until at least 7 tonight." Yeah, I told two strangers with access to my apartment building exactly how long I was going to be gone. I never said I was smart, especially on Mondays.

I get so much more done at work after regular business hours. This can either be attributed to the fact that the phones are quiet but it is more likely due to my coworkers and I yelling jokes over the cubicle walls at each other. Jokes inspire people, especially the off color ones!

I actually yelled "There's no crying at the office" at one of my coworkers today.

I have an ever growing collection of "Do Not Disturb" door hangers that people have brought me from their travels. They are all currently turned to the "Do Not Disturb" side, though it doesn't seem to be working, because people are always in my cubicle. Perhaps I should turn it to the "Please Make Up Room" to see if anyone will clean my cubicle.

If you are going to use the photocopiers at the office to make copies of sensitive documents, make sure you remove these from the copier (right Tyler Durden?) Because there are people out there who aren't as kind as I am and instead of just putting the paper back in your cubicle, they may have scanned it and sent it to the entire office.

You know how I know it's fall? I've switched from coffee to tea. Lots and lots of tea. Basically, I am trying to go for a world record in tea consumption.

~ The Office Scribe

By Definition, You Are All Weird

2010-09-23T21:33:00.000-05:00

Since I don't make six figures at my current job, I do odd jobs here and there so I can afford the lifestyle to which I am accustomed to (food, shelter, HBO). My favorite odd job is baking cakes and cupcakes for those who are willing to pay me. I'm no Ace of Cakes, but I consider my creations a bit more creative than a sheet cake from Costo.

So this morning I brought in a dozen cupcakes that one of my coworkers ordered. And because my amazing frosting needs to be refrigerated, I stopped to drop the box off in the fridge in the lunch room.

That's where I ran into a problem - The fridge was almost completely full.

And you know what was taking up over 50% of the space?

Insulated lunch bags.

That's right, the space age technology which be definition keeps your food cold for 3 - 5 hours until you are ready to eat your lunch.

So why are they all in the fridge?

I have no idea. But I am open to suggestions...

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #36

2010-09-20T19:30:00.000-05:00

In the midst of explaining to a co-worker that I have cut myself more while working in an office than I did during my entire 9+ year tenure as a butcher, I sliced open the back of my hand on a cardboard box. Hello karma!

My non-committal response of the day was a shrug.

We just started using bubble wrap at the office for shipping. It takes every ounce of strength that I have to not sit there and pop every sheet of bubble wrap at my desk. I assume my co-workers appreciate my fortitude in abstaining from such an activity.

I had the song "Tik Tok" stuck in my head all day. I guess that what's I get for watching Music Video parodies on YouTube before I go to sleep.

Did you know "Vă rugăm să ajute, clientul meu se pierde în ţara dumneavoastră şi a devenit un vampir" is Romanian for "Please help, my client is lost in your country and has become a vampire"? Because it does.

~ The Office Scribe

A Scientific Study

2010-09-19T21:13:00.000-05:00

Though I obtained a degree in creative writing from an institute of higher learning, that does not mean that I do not occasionally express an interest in those topics outside of being creative or writing. Take today for example. I decided to embark on my own little science experiment to see if I could answer a questions which has been nagging me lately...

Does what a person wears affect their productivity?

So I broke out something I like to call The Scientific Method and put my query though it's paces.

Step One: Observation

Over the past 4 years of my life I have been working in a typical office. Cubicles. Bad lighting. Lack of fresh air. And Casual Fridays. To this day I don't understand why we have to dress up to do what we do, but alas, HR will only let us don jeans and sports jerseys on the last day we are in the office. I took to looking around on Fridays to see if people were less productive, and if this could possible be the reason why we weren't allowed to wear jeans every day of the week.

Step Two: Hypothesis

To the layman (or people who have forgotten about 4th grade earth science class), a hypothesis is an educated guess about the outcome of the experiment you are about to partake in. Basically it's the scientific equivalent to a gypsy telling you your fortune. But without the massive amounts of gold jewelry and the crystal ball. In this instance, my hypothesis is:

What people wear will not affect how productive people are on any given day.

Step Three: Method

When I was in school, this was my least favorite part because you had to explain the experiment. I would rather people just trust my conclusion, but since teachers like you to show your work, I will.

To conduct this experiment I spent a major part of my Sunday in sweatpants and a tank top. I then set about making my apartment look less like the hovel of a homeless person and more like the home of a twenty-something person who didn't want to fear inviting people over.

Step Four: Results

During my time rocking uber casual clothing, I was able to get all my laundry done, change my sheets, vacuum ever square inch of carpeting, water my plants, watch "Jaws", clean my kitchen, roast acorn squash for soup, and write a new blog post.

Step Five: Conclusion

My conclusion supports my hypothesis, of that what you wear has no affect on how productive you are. Basically, I get as much done (and chances are more done) when I am in non-binding clothing that I don't have to be afraid that I am going to muss up and therefore have to take to the cleaners.

To my fellow office workers, feel free to use this highly scientific data at your own office to possibly get the dress code changed. Then report back to me as to how you succeeded.

~ The Office Scribe

One Of Those Days

2010-09-15T21:39:00.000-05:00

Someone needs to tell the world that I am only one person, and therefore can only handle so much work before I snap and trade in my padded cubicle for a padded cell.

But until that message goes through, I guess I will just have to muster up and deal.

And indulge in the occasional Peanut Butter M&M.

Because sometimes, the only cure is a Peanut Butter M&M.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #35

2010-09-13T20:40:00.000-05:00

I took my first sick day this year last Friday because I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a truck. So I stayed at home and took it easy, hoping to start fresh today. But when I got to work I was reminded why I don't take sick days... TOO MUCH WORK WAITING FOR MY RETURN!!! And while I wasn't at work at all on Friday, I was there for an extra hour or so today. Next time I won't use a sick day unless a limb is falling off!

There is not better way to start a Monday in the fall than with an Apple Cider Donut from the orchard. All that cinnamon and sugar does not disappoint.

I had ordered some metal file holders for my department, but when I went to pick them up from the mail room they were gone. After calling Shenanigans, I found out that someone in another department, who had ordered one, took my 5 in addition to hers. I had to remind her that no matter how hard we clapped out hands, it does not bring in the Office Supply Fairy to life.

Fall is my favorite season. I love being able to wear sweaters to work and sipping cocoa instead of my usual coffee. What isn't cool though is the fact that I when I left work around 7:20 this even I had to use my car lights. Oh sunlight, where have you gone?

We had a discussion about farts at work today. God I love my co-workers (who are 90% female mind you!)

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - Labor Day Weekend Edition

2010-09-06T20:18:00.001-05:00

Just as I was sitting down to work on this blog post my mom called me into the great room to see something on TV. As I walked into the room I couldn't help but glance outside at the sun as it set over the lake. But my eye caught something else and I believe my exact words were "Oh dear Lord, what is that?" My mom came up to join me in staring at what had to be the biggest spider I have ever seen outside captivity. So I did what any true outdoors person would do - I sprayed the hell out of it with some Home Defense Max bug spray and proceeded to panic like a little girl. Maybe someone needs to take my Girl Scout badges away.

Or, maybe someone needs to give me a badge for "Dead Animal Removal" because during this glorious long weekend at the family lake house, I have removed 3 dead birds from the back deck (just today) who decided to go kamakazee and end their lives by smashing into the houses giant windows.

My mom and I went to go see the film "The American" this morning (holiday tradition) and I have to say, the best part of the movie was the Pumpkin Seed Brittle we bought last week from Williams Sonoma. (Seriously people, skip the movie and spend the price of admission on the brittle!)

I cooked a massive ribeye steak tonight for dinner that was so rare and bloody on the inside that it was still mooing when I cut into it. You people who insist on charing your meat beyond belief have no idea what you are missing out on. (Like maybe what meat really tastes like...) Oddly enough, a lot of people who I know like to order their meat well done have no problem with sushi, which really makes no sense...

Part of my weekend was spend unpacking boxes from our storage shed which haven't been opened in roughly my lifetime (i.e. 28 years) because of an impending garage sale. (BTW - It's always fun to see what fashions were popular in the newspapers from 1977 that are wrapped around the contents of the box.) Aside from finding a treasure trove of crap, we also found a treasure trove of mold, which I think I inhaled so much of I probably now have mushrooms growing in my lungs. So when I keep over due to Shitake Syndrome no one should be surprised.

Saturday night I went to a party at a friend's house. This is a house where I spent a good portion of my weekends in high school and college, but haven't been in for about 4 years. Aside from some kitchen remodeling, the place was the same. But just being in the house wasn't the biggest flashback of the night. No, that went to getting a ride home from my friend's mom because I didn't have a car and had been drinking. And yes, it was pretty awesome.

Happy Labor Day everyone!

~ The Office Scribe

Hot Siberia

2010-09-06T20:05:00.000-05:00

Ugghhhh.

It's been one of those weeks. The kind of week that makes you long for a holiday weekend even though you know that during those three glorious days you are out of the office your time will be spent cleaning the garage and feeling as dirty as a homeless person while doing it. But you still don't care because it means you won't be at work for 72 hours and sometimes that is glorious.

Last week I mentioned how on Wednesday I was going to have to pack all my crap up and move to a desk 3 spots away because of reorganization within my department. Okay, whatever. I hate moving mainly because my desk is chock full of non-work related items like a mini Darth Vader, Jim Thome bobblehead, and other assorted pieces of wonder that I have picked up along the way.

So I started to mentally prepare myself for the move on Tuesday morning, figuring I would start to pack up my stuff and possibly even bring it over to my new home. This plan was dashed however when one of the guys from IT asked if I would be ready to move that afternoon.

WHAT? Did he not notice all the stuff at my desk? Did he not notice the look of panic in my eyes? I needed to prepare for this. I needed to have my mental shit together before I had to flee my homeland like a refugee for what I was told would be greener pastures.

My new pasture is not greener, mainly because though it is located in the corner of the office, it has to be about 15 degrees warmer than my old cubicle. At first, my co-worker and I thought maybe we just thought it was warmer because of the physical act of moving. Nope - over the next few days not only did I not have to use the ugly knobby cardigan I keep on the back of my desk - but I had to turn on the small old fan that I haven't touched since we moved into the new building oh 2 years ago.

Perhaps it will just take some getting used to. Maybe before long I will think of the new cubicle as home. But chances are, for the foreseeable future, I will just be calling it what it is, Hot Siberia.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #34

2010-08-30T20:55:00.000-05:00

Anyone out there into omens (not the movie) because I saw a dead bird when I walked into the office today and something tells me that isn't a good sign. And then I think karma might really have it in for me because there was also a dead bird (or what was left after something ate it) on the walkway up to my apartment building when I got home. Do I need to be worried? Should I burn some sage or something? Sacrifice Justin Bieber?

Yeah, that's right. I was wearing flip flops at work today even though they are non-legal footwear. Why? Was it because I am a badass? Was it because it's my way of telling HR that I don't agree with their policies? Was it because I don't give a flying F%!&? Um, or was it because I forgot to pack black socks when I went to my moms place this weekend and didn't want to look like a nerd in white socks with black mary janes? (Note: I am not a Hipster, which is why I couldn't pull that look off.)

People seemed really tired at work today. Chances are I noticed because I was one of those who was really tired. See, that's what happens when you share a bed with a dog who is a restless sleeper and have to drive 1.5 hours to get to work from your moms house. You sometimes are tired.

Why doesn't Lisa Frank make office supplies for the working world? There are some days when I really could use a smiling kitten or a psychedelic dolphin to help me get through the day.

Hiccups - I. Hate. Them. I am the type of person who doesn't get hiccups which go away. When I get them, I have them on and off all day. Which is not only annoying but kinda embarrassing when someone goes to ask you a questions and you answer with a mighty hiccup in their face. If I did this to anyone I work with today, I am sorry....

There aren't any tried and true rules to decide when a new employee has been accepted into the fold. Unless you work in my department and even though you are an adult, your mom sends in candy for the candy dish because she has heard about how popular it is. If you can pull that off, consider yourself GOLDEN.

Found out today I have to up and move cubicles. While I could share my feelings on that here, I think it is best saved for Wednesday, the day the move will happen. Don't be sad - it will just give you something to look forward to...

~ The Office Scribe

P.S. - A little shout out of love to the auto-save feature used by Blogger. Without this feature, today's Manic Monday post wouldn't have been possible because I am not typing this shit more than once.

It's Messing With Me, Right?

2010-08-30T20:24:00.000-05:00

Ahh, the Page-A-Day Calendar. A time honored part of the Cubicle Monkey's arsenal. Each and every December, countless hoards of office workers go to their nearest Barnes & Noble and pick out a Page-A-Day that they think won't bore them in 365 days.

In my few years of office work, I have had some hit and some misses.

Hit: Far Side

Miss: Procrastinators Calendar (far too wordy)

Hit: Trivia

Miss: 365 Jokes (Turns out, weren't very funny)

Sadly, I think I am in another miss year. A co-worker bought me a Cupcake-A-Day Calendar for Christmas this year because of my penchant for baking. I love it. And I swore to myself I would never jump ahead.

The recipes started out for delicious cupcakes such as Chocolate Mud and Cinnamon Apple. They made my mouth water everyday when I tore off the previous day.

But now, I think the authors may be running out of ideas. Case in point: Peach and Tomato Muffins with Lime.

((((shudder))))

Oh dear lord. That is not a happy flavor if I ever read about one. I am sure it was just put in there to test the person who swore to make every flavor just to see if they had the balls to do it. Well, I am not that kind of person so I am going to refrain from making such a horrible concoction.

Unless my co-workers make me mad. Then perhaps they will be my revenge cupcake and I will be the one doing the messing....

~ The Office Scribe

It's All About The Perks Baby

2010-08-30T20:15:00.000-05:00

There are not many perks for those of use who work in an office. Back in the days when I was a butcher, I used to get free lunch (meat) and a 20% discount on everything I bought (meat). Nowadays the perks seem to be coffee - when someone remembers to make it - and the one time a year the office building buys all the tenants ice cream - which I missed this year.

That was, until we received an e-mail that made me as giddy as Stewie Griffin with a new cache of Plutonium.

Turns out, employees at my company can use the corporate discount at a major office supply chain for personal purchases.

That's right!

Cheap pens! And notepads! And hi-lighters! And markers! And, and, and staplers!

((((Gasp))))

Sorry, I almost passed out there from all the excitement. It's just, you guys know me. I love office supplies more than Prince loves heeled shoes. More than Abe Lincoln loved tall hats. More than vampire wannabes love body glitter.

I love them - a lot.

And now I can get them for less.

YAY!!!!

~ The Office Scribe

Note To All Readers

2010-08-30T20:07:00.000-05:00

In addition to my usual Manic Monday post, you may see some other posts go up tonight. Chances are you were like my mother and noticed I didn't post last week. If you know me in person, chances are that you called me out on being a slacker. In truth, I was only a partial slacker. I wrote several posts last week, the old fashioned way (yay paper!) and didn't get a chance to transcribe them into my computer....

....until tonight.

So enjoy the copious amounts of posting that happened this evening!

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #33

2010-08-16T21:09:00.001-05:00

It's always nice to come back after a 3 day weekend to comments like "You look like you got some sun". It makes up for all the times I come back from a vacation to people asking, "Did you leave your apartment at all?"

I am a total pen snob and refuse to use the pens the company supplies us with, so I go out and I buy my own. My pen of choice right now is a TUL Retractable Gel Pen. It is amazing. I have never loved a pen as much as I love these (Note: TUL - Feel free to send me free ones.) But a tip for anyone who runs out to Office Max and picks some up - Don't forget to remove the small plastic nub from the tip. You will save yourself the frustration of trying to figure out why your new pen doesn't work and the feeling of stupidity when you realize why...

I don't care that every book club in America has read the book. I don't care that it is an insanely popular movie. I don't care that it is making everyone want to travel the world. I will not read Eat. Pray. Love. To me, it's the 42 year old housewife equivalent of Twilight.

As I sit here and write this, I can't tell if that is a car alarm going off, a bird, or an alien invasion....

You know what I like about my job? That no one is trying to kill me on a daily basis while I do it. That's the number one reason I turned down that spy job with the CIA. That and I shoot like a girl. (I blame a lack of video games while growing up. But I am oddly accurate with a bow. That I blame on Girl Scout camp.)

Tomorrow is my boss' birthday and I am bringing in Dark Chocolate Truffle Cupcakes. Yes, I am going to earn some major brownie cupcake points.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday - The Summer Party Edition

2010-08-09T22:08:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday was my company's annual summer party. This year it was held at the zoo. And it was pretty cool (except for the temperature which got really warm). Seriously, it started out really cool, so I wore jeans, which as the 2 PM sun hit us made me feel really warm. Which is why we left. Well, that and all the people who started to show up. Come on? What kind of crazy person goes to a zoo on a gorgeous Saturday?

My mom specifically wanted me to tell you about the baby Galapagos tortoises we saw. Why? Because they were adorable and will one day be the size of a coffee table.

See:

Yeah, cute as hell. And you can see they all have personalities already.

#1 Is the angry one.
#2 Is the flirty one
#3 Is the shy one
#4 Is the funny one.

They are one shell shy of forming an all reptile boy band. (Fun Fact: They won't be full grown for like 20 years. These things are like humans - but with better ninja skills).

There is always something weird about seeing someone you work with everyday outside of the office. I am 90% sure I walked past a dozen or so people and played the "do I work with them game".

People were keen to introduce me to their family members and significant others at lunch, but I had a condition which prevented me from shaking their hands. It's called double fisting - a Coke Zero in one hand and a Miller Lite in the other. (Come on people, it was hot! I was thirsty!)

Sadly, I did not win Employee of the Year (again). I think this is just because I am so awesome that others would weep openly if they thought that is how high the bar was set. (Or because I am too much of a handful...)

~ The Office Scribe

My Loss Is Your Gain

2010-08-06T20:57:00.000-05:00

Ahh Fridays... There is, perhaps, no better day during the workweek than Fridays. Cool places like where I work allow us to shed our corporate visage and dress down in jeans and t-shirts with funny sayings on them like "Careful, or you'll end up in my novel" or "Chicago Cubs".

Fridays also rule because I make it a point to stop and pick up an Iced Quad Venti Non Fat Latte from Starbucks. I generally only allow myself a $4 cup of coffee on Fridays because it makes financial sense and makes the lattes that much more awesome.

So this morning, I got up, put on my casual Friday attire, and headed to my local Starbucks. (FYI - The great thing about where I live is that I am 5 minutes from 2 different Starbucks, one to the north and one to the south. Yay suburbs!) And since I was feeling a little lazy, I decided to hit the drive thru. There were about 4 cars in front of me, so I didn't think the wait would be that bad.

I. Was. Wrong.

The car that was at the window when I pulled up sat there for a solid 8 minutes. From my position, stuck in the drive thru lane (once you are in you can't escape) it seemed that the person was having a lovely chat with the employee at the window. My guess is that the conversation was about how they were feeling suicidal but too chicken to pull it off so they were attempting to piss off a bunch of caffeine junkies by delaying their receipt of coffee.

If that was their plan, I think it worked. The cars in line started to get angry. People were upset, raising their hands in disgust and hitting the horns. The employee at the window looked back at the line in fear, attempting to get the car to leave. But as I said, the car sat there for almost 8 minutes before finally pulling away.

Then things proceeded as normal. The rest of the cars whipped through the line. I am sure the baristas were working at hyper speed in order to placate the angry mob.

Which is probably why, when I took a sip of my frosty iced latte about 3 blocks after pulling , I realized they had put some sort of sugary syrup in there.

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

I hate sweetened coffee. I like my lattes to be as close to the sludge that pumped into the gulf as humanly possible which is why I order it with watered down milk and 4 shots of espresso. If I wanted it sugary and tasting like what I imagine fairy sweat to taste like, I would have ordered it that way.

So I got to the office, coffee in hand, walked inside and found one of my coworkers and asked "Do you like sugar in your coffee?" And when she answered "yes" I gave the coffee to her and said "enjoy". Then I walked into the lunch room and proceeded to pour myself a cup of the same stuff I drink every other day.

(((Sigh)))

I learned a lot of things during this experience.
1) Don't be lazy and use the drive thru if the weather is nice
2) Try the coffee before leaving in order to make sure they got it right
3) Giving a free coffee to someone who wasn't expecting it makes them smile like they won the lottery

I guess it wasn't a complete loss.

Happy Friday everyone.

~ The Office Scribe

Bacon - or- How To End The Day On A High Note

2010-08-05T22:00:00.000-05:00

Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me, it's the perfect way to start the day.

As it turns out, it is also the perfect way to end the day...

Ask A Vapid Blonde, I like bacon. The two of us discuss it quite often on Twitter. I don't eat it that often (because let's face it, bacon is not the best food to eat on a regular basis...) but I enjoy it a lot when I do.

So after a long day at the office, where things have been very busy, I stepped outside and wouldn't you know it, the top deck of the parking structure smelled like heavenly bacon. It was awesome. For once it wasn't raining, the humidity had died down, and the air smelled of smoked pork products.

Of course this got me thinking, what other scents could the, um, scent gods(?) pump out into the atmosphere that would make me, and others, happy?

Fresh Cut Grass
I love the smell of fresh cut grass so much I still own a bottle of the perfume that Gap produced in the 90's aptly named, Grass. No one should be surprised if I end up marrying a gardner some day just because of that smell.

Deep Woods Off
Maybe it's having grown up in a woodsy area. Or all the summers I spent at camp. But hot damn I love the smell of Deep Woods Off.

Safeguard Soap
I am a girl, which means I have more flowery scented body washes in my shower than necessary. And I use them all, but when nothing compares the the beige bar of Safeguard soap I always keep in there too. Chalk it up to the fact that it's the soap my dad used.

Black Sharpie Markers
I know a lot of people huff markers to get high, but I will sometimes take a light inhale because I love the smell. Sure, it's probably killing off brain cells, but monkeys like vitamin pants...

Moonlit Walk Candles by Glade
They smell like a really good guys cologne.

Popcorn
I don't really like to eat it, but I love the smell of it. Favorite Popcorn Story: When I turned 16 my parents took me out to dinner. When we came home, we walked in the house and I said "it smells like burnt popcorn in here". My dad tried to convince me it was a gas leak. I walked into the family room and as I turned on the light I declared "No, I know what gas smells like" which was followed by 10 of my friends popping out from behind furniture and shouting "SURPRISE!"

Anyone else out there care to share their favorite smells? And please, no gross stuff. I know you don't like the smell of farts and are only saying that for the shock value.

~ The Office Scribe

Epic Umbrella Fail

2010-08-04T21:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Guy In The Silver Car,

Yeah, I am talking to you. I know you saw me this morning, and I feel the need to explain what was happening. As you probably noticed, it has been raining a lot lately. We've had more rainfall this week than the annual precipitation of the Amazon. So of course I was smart and decided to bring and umbrella with me to the office, in order to protect my clothes and hair from unnecessary dampness.

It is a common practice to start to open your umbrella as you exit your vehicle. Those with smooth moves or who used to be ninjas can execute this in one flawless maneuver. Well, since it was about 8:20 in the morning, I hadn't had my coffee and I wasn't raised by Mr. Miagi, my exit was a little less graceful. The umbrella exploded out of my car and got stuck in the door, which is why I was struggling as I was.

And while I must have looked like a total spaz, I would like to point out that you didn't come to my rescue. You didn't play the part of the White Knight to my damsel.

Hmm, while I started out writing this as an apology for my actions this morning, I now realize you had a bigger fail than I did.

Shame sir, shame on you. Next time come to the end of the un-caffeinated and lend a lady a hand.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #32

2010-08-03T19:11:00.000-05:00

I totally had this all set to publish yesterday, but then the weather gods decided to rain down more, well rain, on the Chicagoland area and when there is lightning, I unplug my computer so it doesn't fry in a power surge. But Office Scribe, don't you have a Mac Powerbook? Yes, I in fact do, but since the battery doesn't hold a charge for longer than 5 minutes my laptop is actually more like a portable desktop. But I am taking donations for a new computer if anyone is interested...

I got on the elevator yesterday, because I was feeling lazy, and the guy getting off the elevator had hazelnut coffee. How did I know? Because the entire car smelled liked a jar of Nutella. Which of course, I didn't complain about. But it got me thinking about dudes drinking coffee with flavors in them and if they ever question their masculinity while sipping them...

I took off an extra half hour to run an errand around noon yesterday and realized that school needs to start ASAP. My errands, which should have been brief, took twice as long because of all the teens out driving around for no reason and the moms hauling their kids to their activities. The older I get the the more I become a fan of year round schooling.

My mom brought me some plantain chips on Sunday, so I brought them to work yesterday to munch on. For those of you who have never had a plantain chip, I suggest you hit up your nearest ethnic grocer and find some, because they are delicious. And no, they are not like a banana chip. I don't like those but I could live on plantain chips.

Like most offices, mine has a drop ceiling with those fin white tiles with that pencils stick in so well (not like I am flinging pencils at the ceiling, I gave that up in college). But I noticed a large brown stain on one of them in another department and I can't tell if someone on the floor above spilled a large amount of coffee or if someone in my office threw a large amount in anger.

Speaking of spilled coffee, when I left yesterday I noticed in the stairwell a large splash of coffee up against the wall on the floor below us. Perhaps people are flinging coffee in anger. It's the newest wave in "office rage". I just hope these angry individuals are smart enough to use the cheap stuff in the pots here and not a pricey latte.

~ The Office Scribe

Why My Commute Has Turned Into The Universal Back Lot Tour

2010-07-30T18:42:00.000-05:00

When I visit Southern California I always try and visit Universal Studios to take the back lot tour. The movie nerd in me loves it. I've even been on the VIP tour where you can get even closer to actual sets and there are not as many annoying tourists.

And while I enjoy this, I am not enjoying the fact that my daily commute has become like this beloved theme park attraction.

FLASH FLOODS

Last Friday some big storms dumped a lot of rain on the Chicagoland area. They closed highways and had mandatory evacuations of some neighborhoods. This meant that for about, oh, the first half of my week I couldn't take some roads because there was water on them. Sure, my Jeep could have made it through, but they had to close the roads so the whimpy little Hybrids wouldn't drown.

CHASE SCENES

When I am running late I sometimes decide to take the highway because it can get me to work in about, oh, 10 minutes. But because it is road construction season in Chicago, that means the highways aren't as practical. The other day I thought I would try it. I went to go merge onto the tollway and suddenly realized that the on ramp was about 1/10th of its previous length, which meant every car getting on had to hit the gas pedal and go into overdrive. The car behind me decided to really hit the gas, lurch to about 80 mph, which was a slight problem because I was only going 55. So he blasts past me, the orange cones, and the state trooper, who proceeds to chase after him like he stole something.

JAWS

Okay, it may not be a man eating shark, but those baby raccoons that ran up behind me when I got home the other day made me scream like I was Quint in the sharks mouth.

PSYCHO

Okay, maybe this just describes my entire commute, but I did see a guy in what looked to be a dress in a pickup truck the other day.

Maybe next week will be better. Or maybe it will resemble the Dinsey Studios tour. Hello Catastophe Canyon!

~ The Office Scribe

And Now For This Evenings Broadcast

2010-07-28T22:25:00.000-05:00

So last night (or maybe it was at an ungodly hour this morning) I was sitting at the local Irish pub, tossing back a few Summer Shandy's with my trivia team, dominating all the other teams with our vast quantity of useless knowledge when my one team member looks up and asks,

"Can I speak to the Office Scribe for a moment?"

I take a sip of my beer, sigh, and reply "Is this about me not posting for a while?"

"Yep" she says. "July 19th was your last post."

I could tell you guys that I have been really busy at work, training a new employee and still attempting to do my job. Or that I am also currently housesitting for my friend's family and sometimes I think her dogs are judging me. Or that sometimes I want to blog but then my cousin invites me over for a glass of wine and I can't say no, because she's family.

So instead I will just tell you that I am still around, and trying to think of fun and exciting things to tell you about working in an office. I know your day just isn't complete without a dose of snark from yours truly (which is why I hope you are also following me on Twitter @TheOfficeScribe) but I don't want to be one of those bloggers who posts something just to post. You know, the people who did nothing interesting that day but are afaid they may lose a follower or two so they write a long, drawn out post about their neighbors hosta plants or their favorite flavor of Frappacino.

I will not be one of those bloggers. I believe in quality over quantity.

So, be like that cat poster which they always show hanging in cubicles in movies but have never actually seen in my office, and hang in there.

~ The Office Scribe

Answers to my previous blog post:

1) Skin forms on top of homemade pudding because it is unholy.
2) Summer Shandy is the best beer ever because it is like drinking a giant glass of sunshine. And yes, I have made them myself from scratch - those are pretty kick ass too.
3) Purple ink rocks because it is both edgy and girly.
4) I lied about teaching you complex math theories. Seriously, I have a degree in writing people!
5) Shaking is the logical move one would do if they managed to shove a lime in a coconut, followed by the thought "How did I d that?"
6) The more caffiene the merrier! But just make sure you stop before the cup that makes it hard to type because of all the twitching.
7) Yeah, the reason I was still awake was because of trivia. It's also the reason I am tired on Wednesdays. So there.

Tonight at 11...

2010-07-28T00:50:00.000-05:00

... we'll explain where I have been and what I have been doing and why a film forms on top of pudding made from scratch but not the stuff in the cups.

... we'll explain why Summer Shandy is the best beer ever.

... we'll explain why pens with purple ink are far superior to those with black.

... we'll explain complex math theories you will never need to know in order to balance your checkbook.

... we'll explain why you put the lime in the coconut and shake it all up

... we'll explain why 5 cups of coffee on a work day is better than 4 cups of coffee

... we'll explain why I felt the need to post the wacky at 12:49 a.m. on a Tuesday*

~ The Office Scribe

* It might have something to do with my trivia team winning tonight... Hear that mom? You told us to win and we did! I do listen to you!

Manic Monday #31

2010-07-19T22:25:00.000-05:00

I opened up my day planner today and $5 fell out. It says something for being old school and still carrying a paper day planner. I mean, when was the last time someone had money fall out of their iPhone? I don't believe there's an app for that.

According to an article I read on Yahoo! today my candy dish means my workplace is open and inviting - a place where people want to hang out. I like having people stop by my desk. Not only does it make me feel popular but it also gives me a chance to pawn off unwanted work on sugar crazed coworkers.

All of my coworkers spent the day remarking about how cold it was in the office while I spent the day debating if I should turn on my fan or not. This can only mean one thing: I am a werewolf and I work with a bunch of vampires. Wow, who knew working in an office would be so trendy?

Someone put out a can of Hickory Smoked Almonds today and I tried one. The freaking but tasted just like a piece of bacon. And while I love bacon, things that taste like bacon kind of creep me out. I think next time I'll just stick to eating nuts that taste like nuts.

~ The Office Scribe

Sunday Funnies #1

2010-07-18T19:55:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the Sunday Funnies

Random Observations From the 48 Hours I Am Not in the Office

Today I was ready to be a giant nerd as I went into the city for a theater engagement armed with a camera in case I happen to see a Transformer. (They are filming the third movie in Chicago as we speak.) Why does this make me a nerd? Because I never take pictures. Seriously, when I was in Vegas three weeks ago my camera never even left my bag. But I wanted to be ready in case Optimus Prime's sweet ass came rolling down Michigan Avenue. Sadly, I didn't see any robots in disguise but I did see the car hanging off the bridge, so I can nerd out when I see that in the movie.

Speaking of attending the theater, I saw Shrek the Musical today. It was really good and the sets were amazing. The only thing that sucked were the number of children in the theater. Now I know what you are thinking - "Office Scribe, you went to a musical based on a children's movie. What did you expect?" First off, I don't think Shrek is a true children's movie. Example: When Shrek implies Lord Whosey built a big castle because he is compensating for something. Children don't get that subtext. Secondly, what kind of crazy parent thinks it is a good idea to bring a 4 year old to a live theater production, sit them in a $90 seat, and not tell them to shush? The little girl next to me gave a running commentary on the whole musical, you know, in case I missed anything - because she was talking!

Attending a family party can be fun. Attending a family party in 90+ degree heat in a room with minimal air conditioning and no fans brings the fun level down a bit.

I just remembered I have almond cookies from eating Chinese food this evening and as soon as I am done blogging I am going to eat one while watching True Blood, which I found out you can now buy at Borders for like $6 a bottle. I don't pay that much for a Smirnoff Ice at the bar! (Please note: That last line was intended to be humorous. I don't actually drink Smirnoff Ice.)

If you are having some people over for dinner on a nice summer evening you really can't go wrong with kabobs. I have never had anyone say "eeeeww, delicious chunks of meat and vegetables on a handy skewer".

I once saw a movie called "The Horse Whisperer" about a man who could talk to horses, though not literally. Friday night I found out I can actually talk to the raccoons who patrol my neighborhood like a bunch of mall cops all hopped up on CiniBuns. One started to head towards my patio and I stood up, pointed and exclaimed "No! Go away. You are not welcome" and damned if that thing didn't wander away. I am amazing.

~ The Office Scribe

Manic Monday #31

2010-07-05T11:52:00.000-05:00

Today I am not at work. Why? Because one of the cool things about working in an office (and yes, there are cool things about working in an office) is that if a holiday you would normally get off falls on a weekend, you get the following Monday off. So my 4th of July weekend has been a long one, which is nice because I needed some time to recover from my vacation to Vegas last weekend.

Please note: The following observations are all from the past weekend and not about being at work, since I haven't been there since Thursday (yay Super long weekend!).

While fireworks (aside from sparklers and smoke bombs) are illegal in the state of Illinois, that has not prevented people from shooting off what I can only assume were military grade concussion grenades purchased from militant groups online for the past 36 hours. I had no idea that they way to celebrate the country's independence was by making such a racket that those of us who had been up since 7 am couldn't fall asleep. (Sorry, but I get cranky when I don't get my sleep.)

Kids are never too young to learn how to cook. Just ask the 5 year old who I was teaching to butterfly a flank steak. Guess Santa had better bring him a knife set for Christmas...

My mom let me know, as she was putting away the bedding from the guest room, that if I ever get rid of the hand crafted cedar chest that has been in our family for generations she will come back to haunt me. Now that's love.

The band that played at the clubhouse, which I could hear from my dock, was awesome! Why? Because the last song they played, as I was drifting off to sleep, was "Don't Stop Believing", a song close to my heart.

Happy 4th Everyone.

~ The Office Scribe